About
I wanted to be a writer as a kid. I also wanted to be a painter, an actress, a model, an architect, a teacher, a nun…ha! Seriously, I have long wanted to start my own blog but did not have the time and will to really plunge in. I also had nothing to write.
But a few months back God thought, hey, wait a minute. Looking forward to good days, aren’t you? You think your troubles are over? Think again. And he gave me something to write about – a soul shattering, mind wrecking, physically devastating heartache.
Because this blog is borne of a painful episode, it will be about agonies and struggles, finding ways to stay afloat, bouncing back and ultimately, learning to REALLY live again. It will be about death, closure and moving on, about highs and lows, about the petty and profound. What would it take to get back on the horse after a hard fall?
Do stick with me as I try to find wisdom in life’s little surprises. This blog will be a witness to my journey in finding an elixir for the battered, violated and junked spirit. Join me as I search, explore, test and bring random remedies into play so that I may ultimately find ME again…
hearthquakes 
Apr 08, 2012 @ 23:13:28
Asalaamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa brakhatahu, dear ukhti, let me begin by saying I love you for the sake of both Allah and you. Wallahi I hate seeing sisters in pain, it breaks my heart and your story echoes my own. I was married to my husband for around 6 years but had known him longer, he was controlling and abusive, violent and unfaithful and he broke me utterly. I had to lose it all to get to where I am today. I never wanted to be a single mum and it was my biggest fear. All I can say is everytime I thought I would almost die from the pain of it all I didn’t, I used to wonder what it would take for me to finally have a breakdown and I came close to it when I cut my wrists and became hysterical one night after he had hit me again. He would throw me out the house a lot and expect me to travel with the kids who were just babies then across London. He cheated on me with someone I knew and then at the end of our marriage cheated with another girl. He didn’t want to adhere to being a Muslim and wanted to live a haraam lifestyle. I came back to live with my parents but that was hard and I moved out. I never really had much help except from my mum at times and I learn’t to do it alone, I had no choice. Days passed and weeks became months and I felt like I was simply existing, I couldn’t be strong like other women were and I struggled with everything including my faith. I kept making dua on and off and honestly, things only got better recently when I threw myself into the one thing that always kept me going – my wriitng. I decided to set up a group for women like me who were struggling alone and seeing how many sisters supported me helped a lot to restore my confidence.
By no means will I tell you to leave your husband, but I will say that you must try and have sabr. Maybe I went through all the rubbish I have had in my life and trust me sister it has been a lot, just so that I could think one day “enough is enough” I need to help these sisters and so I could relate to them. I have experienced most things not all and even if I can’t empathise with people I can sympathise. You are a fighter, your blog tells me that and you are a good human being who is trying to have sabr. Even the most knowledgable man can screw up. This is YOUR test ukhti, to see if you can still have as much love for Allah as you did when things were good in your life. I’m not going to advise you on anything only because I think you have people doing that but please dont forget this is NOT you being punished and its not your fault! if you want to talk to me then please feel free to contact me, find something you feel passionate about and go for it. I know how crap and draining it feels when you are in a rough situation with your hubby and how you are told to be grateful that you have a man etc but you are still a human and you deserve compassion and love and you are not alone, wallahi. When I make dua now, insha’Allah you will be included in the list of people i pray for. May Allah give you sabr and strength and may he reward your sufferings with jannah insha’Allah. Ameen!
Apr 08, 2012 @ 23:54:56
Thank you for your message sister. I have been contemplating lately about leaving my husband because to be honest, I no longer feel like I have a husband. He comes home about 30 minutes after I arrive from work, stays with me for about 2 hours then leaves to see the other one who arrives home from work at that time. He stays there for a good 8 hours (until morning) and only comes home to change for work. This morning he took a bath, changed clothes and prayed in 15 minutes then left. At night it feels like our apartment is a waiting area in the morning, a hotel. If not for our kids I would be long gone.
I have tried to endure the situation sister but it just gets harder every day. I have seen how much he has changed so quickly and it hurts to see him happy while I bleed. I am crushed to the core, sister. I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. Please make du’a for me sister. Salam.
Apr 10, 2012 @ 22:39:08
Of course i will sister, you need to do what is best for you and your eemaan. maybe you can take some comfort from my blog if you read it. Make istkharah and if you do plan on leaving then make sure you have a plan – where will you go, what will you do, will you have support? I have a facebook page which you can see on my blog, feel free to join it – it isnt limited to single mums. i know you are hurting ukhti and i wish i could take your pain away. Please at least keep in contact and i can at least try and be a friend for you and keep you in my duas if nothing else. I would comment on your situation but it angers me and i dont want to insult your hubby or upset you. Allah is watching everything and he is just and everyone that wrongs or hurts another will be held accountable on yaum-al-qiyaamah.
Apr 11, 2012 @ 23:42:15
Thank you, sis. I have browsed through your blog and am inspired by how you were able to triumph over an abusive relationship. I don’t have a facebook account sis. 😦 I don’t know, I was just never drawn to it. Ain’t I weird? I remember when facebook became such a huge hit. My husband and I promised that we won’t make an account but if we ever did it would be a joint account. I was just surprised when I found out a month ago that he already has one, without even telling me!
Oh, sis I really want to leave already. I’m just not strong enough yet. I fear not only for myself but for our kids. They are both boys and it would be hard for them not to have a father.
Your last line is inspiring sis. I hope things will turn my way one day. Do keep in touch, I really need a friend these days.
Apr 12, 2012 @ 00:27:01
You know sis, I said the same thing to my sister about wanting my son to have a dad and she reminded me of the prophets that didn’t have one and how its will in Allah’s hands anyway. I can still teach my son how to be a man Insha’allah because he has an excellent role model: rasulullah ( sallilahu alayhi wa sallam). Once again i’m NOT telling you to leave your hubby but I AM saying that fear comes from shaiytaan and is his tool in breaking our eeman. I had to move on to survive. The brilliant thing about people is their ability to adapt. Time does heal things and maybe you have to go through the pain to get to jannah. Make istikharah sister and think hard. Maybe k your hubby to stay away for a few days so you can think and user that
Apr 12, 2012 @ 00:30:33
(sorry phone is crap!) I was saying use that time to make lots of dua and Salah and even maybe fast. try to bring yourself closer to Allah and block out the rest of the world for a couple of days to reset yourself.
May 26, 2012 @ 19:24:13
I really like the answers from Single Muslim Mums. It’s good that you have many that care about you and support you. I wish I could help you in any way. I have thought about your situation a lot today, because I wanted to say something that would help, but I don’t know what.
May 26, 2012 @ 20:18:35
Indeed, her wisdom is a fruit of everything she has been through. Thank you for your sweet words, sister. You do not need to say anything to help me, your reading my posts and taking time to comment is more than enough support. 🙂
Jun 01, 2012 @ 17:42:55
Dear sister, I am touched by your blog and I truly pray that Allah will help you and your husband to get through these difficult times and help you to find yourself again. I agree that sometimes writing is so soul soothing Alhamdullilah. 🙂
Jun 01, 2012 @ 20:12:02
Thank you sister. I would appreciate your prayers very much. Inshallah, my husband and I will get through this together.