Time Flies

Wow. It’s July 2013. And the month’s almost over too!

I can’t believe that more than half a year has passed since my last post. I guess I’ve been too occupied keeping myself occupied. Days have been pretty much the same – job, part-time jobs, dinner, powerpoints, sleep…Occasionally there’s dinner with new friends and of course, what’s a weekend without a depression kick?

But some things changed too.

Last June the other girl went on vacation to our home country. Dear hubby was all ‘excited’  to ‘spend time with me’ and went over and over saying, “Don’t mind her. Just a few more days and she will be gone” whenever I blabber about how she’s this and that. So there I was again, believing Pinocchio who, by the way, was in a really angelic mode coming from Umrah.

To cut the story short, we spent two empty, meaningless weeks together until he finally admitted he wanted to join his beloved and meet her family. I was…well…expecting that. I mean, watching every “Got Talent” show on Youtube every night wasn’t really my idea of quality time. Those two weeks have been painfully awkward we did not even bother to have a proper meal. Well at least he asked if I would allow him to go. Why not? It’s not like we’re having a ball anyway. What just got me pissed was that he asked if I could shoulder his ticket for his flight back. Say what?! I don’t think so.

So the lovebirds had a fight about how costly it was going to be and she wasn’t willing to pick the tab on the round trip ticket. I’m not really sure what was going on in her head but wasn’t it romantic that he considered leaving me on our only alone time after a year and a half to meet her family? So anyway they dropped the plan and I had to endure another two dragging weeks, with him sneaking out almost everyday so they can have a Skype chat. Most days after work I just voluntarily hang out at my co-teacher’s house so he wouldn’t have to lie about ‘needing to do something somewhere.’

The day before the girl came back was my flight to my home country. I forced – yes, forced – him to drive me to the airport and we had a short talk while I waited for the boarding gates to open. We agreed that he will spend full time with her and we will no longer see each other when I come back. He doesn’t have to call me but I requested that he call the kids once in a while. I thanked him for the years we have been together, he asked forgiveness for all the hurt he has caused. I don’t really know what the conversation meant to him but to me it felt like a farewell…our last goodbye. It was almost a peaceful adieu if he hadn’t threatened to put me behind bars if he finds me with another man.

Now I am home with my kids. Happy, definitely…except when my eldest asks about where his daddy is. Oh, how that question sends me to tears each time! My eldest has grown so quickly in the year and a half I have been away and I can’t believe how sensitive he has become. Everyday he would ask if I love him and why I look more like his brother but not so much like him. He’s been so sweet giving me hugs and kisses everyday and (God help me) I am not sure how I can bear leaving them again next month. And then of course, there’s my mom, whose questions I keep on avoiding…guess I’m not ready to admit it to her yet. I worry that she will worry and worrying at 76 isn’t healthy.

At this point I feel like I’m in a train station waiting for my train to come. I don’t know where to, but I’m glad I’m moving on to somewhere. When I do go back to work, Inshallah, things will start getting better…just as He promised 🙂

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Try and Try…

It was Thursday night again – so not looking forward to another weekend alone. Well at least I get to sleep in late, so okay, I guess there’s one thing to look forward to. I just realized I have not gone to the majlis for a while. I miss going, but see, I don’t want to go alone. Alone is becoming a favorite word. If I had a facebook account, you guessed it right, it would be my status for the next…errr….arrggghhhh!

 

While on my way home I rang my husband and asked what he would like for dinner. Normally I don’t cook on Thursdays but I would if he wanted me to. Thankfully he said I shouldn’t cook anymore but when I asked what cooked food to buy he couldn’t make up his mind. He finally decided that I cook noodles to which I said okay, but having had noodles for lunch I was sure I wouldn’t be eating much that night.

 

At the time I was in the supermarket he called and asked where I was. Thinking he would come and help me carry the groceries (you know, like what I saw him doing the other day with her), I excitedly told him where and he said he will just grab a cup of chai and meet me at home. What the &%$#*!@ did he call me for? Sigh. I’m such a hopeless case, I never learn to never hope.

 

When I got home he gave a weird look at the bags I carried. Miscommunication. When he said noodles, he meant instant noodles. For dinner. Are you kidding me? He told me to just cook what I bought the following day so we just contented ourselves with the croissants I had left from lunch. As we sat I glanced at the now withering bouquet he gave me half a month ago (this was the second bouquet after the other month’s and it was the best one I got from him so far) and asked if he ever brought her flowers too. He told me before that I was the only girl he ever gave flowers to but with his silence I realized that was no longer true. And that made me sad again. If it is true what he says that he loves me more deeply than her, why is he treating us the same way? Wait, there’s something wrong with that statement. He is not treating us the same way, he treats her better. I just felt I was no longer special, that’s all, and that’s a sad thing. I think all the wives in the world would like their husbands to treat them like a princess in a fairy tale, rescuing them from danger and showering them with flowers and romantic whatnots. I was his only princess up until she came and I can’t take that.

 

By the time he was getting ready to go (to her, of course) I was already crying. He could not understand what I was crying about but he kissed me on the forehead and repeated what he said before that he doesn’t like to see me crying. Huh? Stop doing what you’re doing and I will stop crying. Don’t you get it? He left anyways. I don’t think I can take this anymore.

 

At around 1am I sent him a message that I would no longer be at home when he comes in the morning. I packed my clothes in huge plastic bags (I did not want to unearth my luggage, that would be tedious) and placed them next to the bed. I prayed for guidance while I hoped he would come home early so that we could talk. It was his day off which meant he would come home 10:30 a.m. He arrived 12:10 p.m., just in time to change clothes for jumaa. It’s just unbelievable. Send me that same message and I would probably be running back home. He saw my bags and asked what I was trying to pull up again. I said I’m moving out. I have already arranged to stay with a friend but I told him I would be transferring to a bedspace somewhere in the area. He said I wasn’t going anywhere. Ha! I don’t think you can’t stop me this time, mister. I have had it. He reached for my wallet and when I realized what he wanted to take I struggled to get it back from him but he pushed me back. He took my residence ID and all my ATM’s and left. I curled up the bed and cried.

 

After jumaa he went straight to her house for lunch. It has not occurred to him that I haven’t had anything to eat since morning. He came back home at 2:30 pm and just stared while I lay in bed. I said I’m going whether he likes it or not. And the next 30 minutes was a like scene from WWF. We wrestled for my clothes which, he wanted to put back in the closet, and I to keep in the bags. We were both physically tired after 30 or so minutes and at that point he hugged me and pleaded me to stay. There is no use to this, I said. I can’t go on letting you hurt me. He said he can’t live without me (and her, too, I suppose). He promised he will let her go eventually but how long this will take, I could not imagine. Ya Allah, please grant me the strength to bear this.

 

Maybe next time I should just go without telling him. But first, how will I get those ATM’s back?