Time Flies

Wow. It’s July 2013. And the month’s almost over too!

I can’t believe that more than half a year has passed since my last post. I guess I’ve been too occupied keeping myself occupied. Days have been pretty much the same – job, part-time jobs, dinner, powerpoints, sleep…Occasionally there’s dinner with new friends and of course, what’s a weekend without a depression kick?

But some things changed too.

Last June the other girl went on vacation to our home country. Dear hubby was all ‘excited’  to ‘spend time with me’ and went over and over saying, “Don’t mind her. Just a few more days and she will be gone” whenever I blabber about how she’s this and that. So there I was again, believing Pinocchio who, by the way, was in a really angelic mode coming from Umrah.

To cut the story short, we spent two empty, meaningless weeks together until he finally admitted he wanted to join his beloved and meet her family. I was…well…expecting that. I mean, watching every “Got Talent” show on Youtube every night wasn’t really my idea of quality time. Those two weeks have been painfully awkward we did not even bother to have a proper meal. Well at least he asked if I would allow him to go. Why not? It’s not like we’re having a ball anyway. What just got me pissed was that he asked if I could shoulder his ticket for his flight back. Say what?! I don’t think so.

So the lovebirds had a fight about how costly it was going to be and she wasn’t willing to pick the tab on the round trip ticket. I’m not really sure what was going on in her head but wasn’t it romantic that he considered leaving me on our only alone time after a year and a half to meet her family? So anyway they dropped the plan and I had to endure another two dragging weeks, with him sneaking out almost everyday so they can have a Skype chat. Most days after work I just voluntarily hang out at my co-teacher’s house so he wouldn’t have to lie about ‘needing to do something somewhere.’

The day before the girl came back was my flight to my home country. I forced – yes, forced – him to drive me to the airport and we had a short talk while I waited for the boarding gates to open. We agreed that he will spend full time with her and we will no longer see each other when I come back. He doesn’t have to call me but I requested that he call the kids once in a while. I thanked him for the years we have been together, he asked forgiveness for all the hurt he has caused. I don’t really know what the conversation meant to him but to me it felt like a farewell…our last goodbye. It was almost a peaceful adieu if he hadn’t threatened to put me behind bars if he finds me with another man.

Now I am home with my kids. Happy, definitely…except when my eldest asks about where his daddy is. Oh, how that question sends me to tears each time! My eldest has grown so quickly in the year and a half I have been away and I can’t believe how sensitive he has become. Everyday he would ask if I love him and why I look more like his brother but not so much like him. He’s been so sweet giving me hugs and kisses everyday and (God help me) I am not sure how I can bear leaving them again next month. And then of course, there’s my mom, whose questions I keep on avoiding…guess I’m not ready to admit it to her yet. I worry that she will worry and worrying at 76 isn’t healthy.

At this point I feel like I’m in a train station waiting for my train to come. I don’t know where to, but I’m glad I’m moving on to somewhere. When I do go back to work, Inshallah, things will start getting better…just as He promised 🙂

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Almost, but not quite

                I need a pair of running shoes. I have been trying to get rid of the post baby weight for six months now but it seems it wants to stay for a while unless I go on a strict diet and exercise.

 Two weekends ago I called my husband and asked if he could accompany me to the mall to get a decent pair of running shoes. He also wants me to lose the belly fat ‘cause I look like a tadpole with it. He did not want to go with me, as usual, because he’s trying to avoid being seen with ‘someone else’ other than her. Her siblings are here and she likewise has a number of cousins working everywhere. They do not know that the great guy she married is already married. So I end up seeming like a mistress – I am the one he is hiding while he parades her around. I felt rejected again, and told him, okay, maybe next time, although I knew that making him come with me is a far reality.

The following day he told me he will be going to the mall with her because she wants to buy a new bag. I just stared. It’s not like he wouldn’t go if I told him not to. He wasn’t asking permission, he was just letting me know they were going somewhere and that she’ll be using up the time he should be spending with me. Fairness.

Last weekend was fun, though. We spent our time together folding clothes. That was a task we both hated so when we were still starting out, we agreed to do it together. It has been a long while since he helped me do it, so doing that again brought back warm memories and it somehow made me feel as if things were normal.

And then came Tuesday, her day off. I was so busy at work that I was not even able to talk to my husband beyond hello and goodbye. After lunch when things got less hectic, I tried to phone him knowing that it was his break time. I totally forgot what day it was. I kept on calling him but he did not pick up. After about 5 calls, I remembered. I called him around 20 times more, just to bug him, but I ended up losing patience. He called when he was already on his way back to work and I shouted at him and asked him where he went. He said, “you know where I went.” I hated him so much for it. I just hate it when he does for her the things that he does for me. I was so mad that when I went home, I packed all his clothes and chucked them in a corner.  

He did not come home on time. I thought it was because he was also mad. It turned out that they went out to buy her a new mobile. When he arrived and saw his stuff all packed, he asked me what happened. I told him he ought to just go and stay with her. I said that things are already too painful and I cannot stand it anymore. He hugged me tight and told me he can’t live without me. He said he loves me so much and he will not let me go. He asked me to stay and just let things take their course. I begged him to just go but he said he will never leave me. He said he loves her but not as much as he loves me. I don’t understand how he can say that while spends most of his time with her. He said if she is not for me, Allah will make a way to distance her from me. I think he is right.

I trust in God. I will be very happy if he comes back to me but if he doesn’t, I am ready to let him go. If this is as far as our relationship goes, I would take it to mean that Allah has a better plan for me. Now I just have to deal with the waiting time. I know that God will eventually reveal his plan but that does not take the pain away, does it? So now I just pray that Allah makes things easier on me while I wait for His plans to unfold.

I know I should not rush but Inshallah, that will be soon…..