Freedom

Happy. 🙂

I have now moved on to a new job, one that I really love – teaching.  The day I came here in 2007, I have tried and tried looking for a teaching job, and although I wanted to try working in a corporate setting, I knew that would only be temporary and eventually I would yearn to go back to my first love.

It’s been a while since my last post, many things have happened and there’s so much I want to share. Let’s start where I left off.

In June my husband requested that he stay with the girl for the whole month, as she has filed a month-long leave. Wanting to try if I can forget him, I agreed. We did not see each other for a long time, he missed me, I missed him and I concluded that it was futile trying to forget him. He was the love of my life. At the end of the month they had a huge fight and he was back at my doorstep, with his stuff and all. It’s over, he said.

I was ecstatic. But deep inside I knew it was not over yet. Although he promised he will never break my heart again, he still did not acknowledge that he did me wrong and with that I was certain that that was not the end of it. Something just wasn’t right and even as I thanked Allah in my prayers, I knew it wasn’t over.

After two days they were back together…and he broke my heart the second time.

Ramadan fell as one of my darkest months. We agreed that he will have suhur with me everyday, as it was my time. But the first day down to the last he had suhur with her, and I was always alone. I cried a lot and we fought a lot. By the end of Ramadan I decided I have just had it with him. I packed all his things and told him to pick them up. The girl was very pleased. Her Ramadan duas came true.

Despite the harsh words we exchanged, he did not want to let me go. He came at his usual time, spent a few hours with me and went down hurriedly when he knows she is already there. It was a dagger to my heart each time he left and I told him that I would hurt less if I did not see him at all. He disagreed. What right did he have to hurt me this way?

In August I celebrated my birthday with a roommate who bought coffee-flavored ice cream (my favorite) for me at midnight. I did not have a penny to spend on a nice meal and dear husband did not even remember what day it was. I was too depressed and decided not to go to work and when he came in the afternoon (after she left for work) to have lunch, got dead mad after I asked why he did not come after fajr like we agreed. He shouted, spilled the little food we had and walked out. That was my worst birthday to date.

It was around that same time when I decided to quit my job. He was all I can think of and my work was suffering. My mind was always wandering and my boss noticed something was bothering me. I said I was going through a rough time with my husband, apologized and said that it might be better if I just leave. Coincidentally, my husband has been transferred to another department in his company and he did not like it. He quit his job a day after I quit mine. Just great. Now how would we provide for the kids? He didn’t seem to care.

I prayed fervently for Allah to bless me with a good job that would take my mind off him. I asked him to take me away, far away where he can’t hurt me anymore. A few days later I got an offer from a school I applied for months back. I knew the demands were greater being a teacher compared to working in an office but I thought that this might be what I needed. The pay wasn’t enough to make ends meet, with my husband being jobless, and I would only have my meager salary to pay for everything. Nonetheless I took the job and hoped I’d get a part time job somewhere to have enough.

My husband did not seem worried at all about not being able to help me out with our expenses. Maybe he really didn’t have to worry because the other girl gave him everything he wanted anyway. He did not force himself to work and no matter how many times I told him to at least think of the kids (don’t bother thinking about me anymore, as he has obviously been an expert on that already), my words were useless.

By the time I started working I hardly had enough sleep. Preparing lesson plans and visual aids and adjusting to the outrageous school system they had in school consumed all of me. I was dead exhausted the first couple of weeks. I had no time to cook, hardly had any appetite to eat, and did not have even a second to think about them.

The previous week was my third. I am tired and stressed most of the time. I found myself not longing for my husband anymore. It doesn’t matter much if he stayed or not, or even if he comes at all. It still hurts a little when he leaves but when I realize how physically exhausted I am, I just fall right to sleep and thoughts of him fade.

The other day I got a call for a part time tuition job. If I would be able to keep it, I would come close to covering our previous income. Inshallah, things would work out well.

My husband and I talked about me moving somewhere else, to live that is. I often talked to him about moving to a bedspace as that is more economical than paying for space that’s good for two but is only occupied by one. He is now open to it, even if it would mean seeing me less. He has his life covered, and I don’t want to bother myself worrying whether he gets a new job or not. Allah will provide for me and my children.

Just recently I found myself not praying for him to come back anymore. This afternoon, before I wrote this, he came in from downstairs and told me he will go to the Islamic Center, I said okay. I had tons of paperwork to do and him staying here would just take my time away from work. Before he left he asked for a hug. I said there’s no need for it. He got mad (I gather they had a fight) and walked out. I couldn’t care less.

I am finally free. And happy. 🙂

Advertisements

18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. myninjanaan
    Sep 28, 2012 @ 13:21:22

    Good for you sister! I’m happy that you’re finally happy too 🙂 may Allah make the journey for you and your children easier. Salaam.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Sep 28, 2012 @ 14:43:03

      Thank you sister. I really pray that Allah will make things easier for me and my children. My only wish now is to be able to take them here with me. They are my only life now and my only reason to keep on going. I am thankful that Allah has somehow (not totally but I know I will eventually get there) freed me from depending my happiness on my husband. I am now able to find happiness in other things and the part of me that used to cling on to him is gradually fading. I have learned to let go of the memories we had – both good and bad – and that is a real milestone for me. I have now come to accept that whatever we had no longer exists. I have started to move on, and will continue to do so until I am strong enough to fully let go.

      Reply

      • myninjanaan
        Sep 28, 2012 @ 19:08:58

        i’m sure that in due time your children will be with you too, inshAllah. mashAllah you are an independent woman, you don’t need a man to be happy. I’m proud of you for being able to come to terms with the reality of things and deciding to move on and be happy. My du’as are with you sister, may you and your children forever remain happy 🙂

      • hearthquakes
        Sep 28, 2012 @ 22:23:33

        InshAllah my children can join me here soon so that I can take care of them and we can be happy together. Thank you for your duas sister, I really appreciate it.

  2. imaanii
    Sep 28, 2012 @ 16:49:05

    Alhamdollilah, I’m happy for you too. 🙂 I hope everything will work out so that you can live with your children only and feel some relief. Salaam from the north. ❤

    Reply

  3. ashrubhaleeb
    Sep 28, 2012 @ 18:16:03

    Good for you. I am glad you are finding a positive way forward :).

    Reply

    • Khedegah
      Sep 28, 2012 @ 18:26:14

      Alhomdolelah…..I am so happy to see you in a better place en sha Allah. I have only recently started following you, and I felt really upset for you….ALHOMDOLELAH you have gained some independence, which is the start en sha Allah. Khedegah xxxx

      Reply

      • hearthquakes
        Sep 28, 2012 @ 18:58:55

        Thank you sister. I certainly hope that this is the start of good things for me and my children. The past seven months have been my darkest, I am just so thankful that Allah is beginning to turn things around. Alhamdullilah.

    • hearthquakes
      Sep 28, 2012 @ 18:36:21

      Salam sis. Thank you.

      Reply

  4. salma
    Oct 15, 2012 @ 21:34:23

    I am very happy for you sis. May Allah bless your home.

    Reply

  5. Bonnie
    Oct 16, 2012 @ 14:12:45

    Sweetheart I’m a bit slow on the uptake but I am SO happy that Allah is beginning to heal your heart and start you on the road to being you again. May he truly give you something better, you deserve a wonderful man who will cherish and love you and your children. Big hugs honey xxxx

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Oct 27, 2012 @ 11:06:22

      Salam sis Bonnie and Eid Mubarak to you and your family. Inshallah Allah will guide my heart and mend it. I am not looking for a new relationship this soon but if it is Allah’s will then may it be someone who will love me truly and be a good father to my children. 🙂

      Reply

  6. imaanii
    Nov 24, 2012 @ 16:55:10

    Salaam 🙂 Are you OK?

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Nov 24, 2012 @ 22:01:23

      Salam sister. I opened my account only now after a very long while. How coincidental that you sent me a message today too.
      I am still struggling to forget, sister. But I am proud that I have made much improvement. I have moved to a new place, and I have asked my husband not to come and see me anymore. He gladly obliged. I have asked him for divorce but he refused. He still calls twice a day to check on me and to tell me he loves me. I tell him the same and how much I miss him, but that’s as far as I go. I have started to make new friends, and have forced myself to go out at least once a week during weekends. I would like to go out more, but I somehow feel guilty that I am going out without seeking his permission. Is that weird or what? Last weekend I went out with some friends to a beach gathering. I felt awkward being around so many strangers. That was the first time in years that I went out without my husband. It was both odd and liberating.
      I still cry a lot when I pray at night, but during the day I am sooo busy with to much work and I don’t have time to think about him anymore, Alhamdullilah.
      I know I still love him, though. But I am moving on. 🙂

      Reply

      • imaanii
        Nov 25, 2012 @ 01:43:40

        Wa salaam 🙂 Oooh, you’re really brave. I’m glad you got to go out, the trip to the beach sounded very nice. I can understand you felt awkward though, since you haven’t done something like that in a while. Alhamdollilah. Best wishes from me 🙂 I’m glad for the update 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: