The other night my husband and I watched the ‘Devil’ movie. In it, a group of people were trapped in an elevator. The devil was one of them and pretended to be a victim as well.

The movie ended with only one survivor, the one whom the devil saved for last and was his actual target for walking the earth. Fortunately, the man repented before the devil was able to take him. He buried a grave secret in his conscience, and, although the devil discouraged him by saying that he will not be saved even if he repents, the man continued to ask forgiveness for the sin that he kept secret for a long time. He humbled himself and accepted that he was not worthy of forgiveness. And the devil let him go. The man to whom he committed the sin, who was bitter and angry for many years because of what happened, forgave him too.

After watching, I asked my husband what he learned from the movie. He can be so thick sometimes that I have to spell out even the most obvious things. He said we should learn how to forgive. Anything else? That’s it. See, he missed the part where we should see ourselves as who we really are – sinners – and repent for our sins. Darn, that was why I made him watch the movie. I pointed it out to him and continued that those who do not know how to forgive are also not forgiven. I told him that I am committing this sin because of him. He asked why and I said it’s because I have not forgiven him (and her) yet. How can I when they still continue to hurt me every second of the day?

All this time I think he still believes that he is not doing anything wrong. As far as he is concerned, he followed the dictates of Islam ( i.e. marrying and not having relations outside of marriage) even if this meant disrespecting and hurting me and totally forgetting that he had a responsibility to his kids. He just doesn’t get it. On top of that he feels he is being fair to me and the other.


Time spent with me – 8pm-10:30pm (sometimes that even gets cut down to 10pm)

Time spent with her – 10:30pm to 5(or 6)am the following day

Thursday time with me – same

Time with her – 10:30pm to 11am (and sometimes 12 noon) the following day

Accompanies me where I want to go – No

Accompanies her where she wants to go – Always

Ya Allah! I do not want to say anything to him anymore. Right now I want to keep my promise that I will not nag and just wait until Ramadan – when he will (I hope) let her go. But please, please, please find a way to make him realize all this so he can acknowledge that his ‘additional’ relationship has changed him unpleasantly. I do not want him to come back without understanding why he has to let go, then blame me in the future for forcing him to make that decision. If he does come back, Inshallah, he will come back with conviction that that is right thing to do.



17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. maiforrester
    Jun 01, 2012 @ 10:55:14

    As salaamu alaykum.

    It stresses me to think that you are seriously holding out for Ramadhaan in the hopes he will let her go. He gives no indication that will happen, in fact just the contrary. He clearly gives her preference over you in all matters that are tangible or visible and the unequal division of time and assistance is a clear indicator of his disconnection with Allah in this matter.

    I always advocate to the hurt and the heartbroken to make dua’ for their oppressor, to make dua’ for the one who hurts them because it is direct to Allah. I have done so in polygynous situations before and it has worked EVERY time. It was a smart move trying to make a point through the movie, and even more useful because it really exposed where he is mentally and Islamically. He just isn’t getting it.

    May Allah guide you all to His pleasure and rectify your affairs. He is with the patient and He is with the obedient, so safeguard yourself from sin inshaa’Allah sister and wait for Allah’s help. Regardless of what people say, I understand completely that there is a timeline for this, and you need to follow it along and wait for Allah’s clarity and resolution. That is the best and safest course of action, regardless of the hurt along the way, because it will result in the best end bi ithn Illah.


    • hearthquakes
      Jun 01, 2012 @ 20:01:06

      Thank you sister. I acknowledge that he does not show any indication that he will do as he promised. This is a sad truth and perhaps I ought to prepare myself for the worst. But as what you said, I would like to wait for Allah’s clarity and resolution. As much as I would like to end my suffering the soonest time possible, I do not want to do anything unless I am sure that it is really the path that Allah wants me to take. Right now I am still very confused. I will know what to do in his time. He has led me to this situation and I know he will take me through it. Allahu Akhbar.


  2. TS
    Jun 03, 2012 @ 12:01:05

    Assalam aleikum,
    In many cases, the husband might just be trying to find his way in this new polygamous life. All you need, is may be to give him some time until he could find a balance between the two..I do not know what is your real situation, but one advice would be to avoid making his stay with you difficult/full of tension, as you will certainly make him flee to the comfy zone of the 2nd one..
    On the other hand, your husband should be reminded about the duties of the wifes, try to find some relevant topics and e-mail him to read, share with him some good links on youtube etc..

    Just don’t stress too much about all this and all the best, remember that nothing is to happen to us that has not been already written by Allah very very very long time ago,



    • hearthquakes
      Jun 03, 2012 @ 21:56:54

      Thank you for your comment. I honestly do not know if there exists any husband out there who could truly balance a polygamous relationship. If there is, hands up to him.

      I do not think there will ever be a balance in mine, I know my husband and he is just not capable of that, which is why I have given up demanding for balance. Now I believe the easiest way for all of us is for one party to let go. If he cannot let her go then I will let him go. We just cannot live like this. I admire those who are able to embrace this kind of situation, but this will not work for me.

      I think my husband’s keeping their marriage a secret from me made all the difference. He kept it secret because he knew I will never agree to it. His lying doubled the pain of his betrayal. Now I regret getting involved with him at all. If, at the start of our relationship, he made me understand that a future additional marriage is a possibility, I would not have entertained him.

      But yes, I agree with you, makhtub, it is written. I trust in Allah’s wisdom. He will see me through this.


  3. TS
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 05:00:01

    I am sure you have heard about Ibtilah, tests, we are all tested in our life of Muslims, let us make sure we do not fail tests that Allah has put on us..keep making duas to Allah to Guide your husband’s hearts


  4. Salma
    Jun 06, 2012 @ 23:41:45

    Salam dear sister in Islam. I was reading Bonnie’s blog and came across her post to your blog.
    I read back about your husband’s history with his 2nd, and honestly I was not shocked, but I feel very sorry that you got caught in the cross-roads. islamically, (and you will hate me for saying this), your husband has an obligation to his wives, and he has to make it right by seeking Allah’s guidance. If he wanted to leave the woman, he would have done so already, why wait until ramadan?
    You said tat she was in contact with a nother man and even told that man she loves him, and your husband took her back…WOW, that is amazing.
    Honestly, at this point your husband needs to work this out and with Allah’s help do the right thing. Now, he may have married her for all the wrong reasons, but if she repents, and he repents, then there is no reason that they should not stay married.

    Some background on me – I have had the 2nd wife discussion with my hubby many MANY times, and I have told him that IF he wants to go down that road, it is a decision that we will make together. We have had 2 discussions about it when I seriously considered it, infact I bought it to his attention 1 time. Now, I am a fair and rational woman (from learned experience) if my husband goes out tomorrow and marries someone behind my back, or hops into a car with another women for whatever reason, may Allah help him. If he did it I wouldn’t think twice before taking everything that he has (including my kids and leaving), but he already knows that.

    What I am saying is, you are stronger than you think. You do not have to go along for the ride. Marriage is sacred in Islam, and from reading your blog I can see that your other half did not factor “ISLAM” into his life, which has affected you directly. A man has a righht to marry more than 1 women, but he doesn’t have a right to lie about his intentions.
    You have a right tobe respected by your spouse, it is why we are told that we complete each other’s deen.

    I pray that Allah will guide you to make the decision that tells your husband that you are more then he thinks of you.

    Salam alaikum!


  5. ashrubhaleeb
    Jun 08, 2012 @ 05:48:35

    I was reading other comments and I think maybe there is balance in some polygamous relationships. . . But the thing is I think it may only be really possible for people who go into it willingly and even then it is difficult. I think your situation is unfair and unIslamic and quite frankly unkind and immoral of your husband. But I understand it is your life to live and your forgiveness to offer. I just so wish your husband would at least realize that he has done something that he needs to ask. . . No beg for your forgiveness for. I am so bothered when people stand on morality and religion when they are in total violation of the spirit of both.


  6. ashrubhaleeb
    Jun 27, 2012 @ 13:51:30

    I just want to send some well wishes your way sister :-).


    • hearthquakes
      Jun 30, 2012 @ 13:28:34

      Salam sister. Thank you. So many things have happened the past couple of weeks and it has been a crazy roller coaster ride. I will write a post really soon, Inshallah. I hope you are well yourself, sis.


  7. imaanii
    Jul 09, 2012 @ 15:45:10

    Salaam 🙂 How are you sis? It’s been a while since we heard from you.


    • hearthquakes
      Jul 11, 2012 @ 20:04:24

      Salaam sis. I don’t know what to say…I’d like to think I’m getting better but I’m not really sure. I will write a post soon sister. I think I said that last week to Korie but I haven’t written anything yet. Ramadan is a week away…I am sure now that he will not keep his promise…and I am heartbroken again…


      • imaanii
        Jul 11, 2012 @ 20:36:50

        Wa salaam, oooh 😦 I’m very sorry about this sis. What does the people around you say? Big hug and best wishes from me.

  8. Selma
    Jul 11, 2012 @ 22:57:14

    May Allah ease your pain and take care of your heart sister. Ameen!


  9. Jana
    Jul 12, 2012 @ 19:30:17

    Don’t be heartbroken, just get out. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want you and seems to be keeping you around “just in case.” Why not go and live your life, rather than crawling on your belly and humiliating yourself for the sake of someone so heartless?


  10. imaanii
    Jul 22, 2012 @ 20:32:15

    Salaam sis, I just want to say I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re OK. 🙂


  11. myninjanaan
    Aug 09, 2012 @ 13:55:27

    Salaam Sister. I found your blog on someone else’s. I have one thing to say to you:
    you and your children deserve better.

    And as for him saying he might leave the other woman by Ramdan; even if he did, would you be able to love him and respect him the way you did before all of this happened?
    You need to be strong and think about what is best for you and your children. Like I said before, you deserve a better husband and your children deserve a better father.


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