Are you still there?

Yesterday was a busy day at work. We only had a few visitors but the tons of paperwork the bosses required me to finish were just tiring. By the end of the day I was physically strained and when I learned from my colleague that I will take the Saturday shift this week, I got even more weary. It was supposed to be my turn to have the Fri-Sat off and I was very much looking forward to it. Now I’ll have to take the Thurs-Fri off. We hate that because when we have the Thursday off it doesn’t feel like a day off at all. Everyone else is at work, there’s no one to talk to and there’s nothing nice to do. It just kind of feels like I’m on a sick leave and I become too sluggish to do chores.

On my way home I had to pass by the post office to drop off some mail. While walking from the bus stop I remembered the way my husband used to call me when he knows I’m already on my way home. He would call to tell me to be careful commuting, he would call to check if I got in the bus safely and another call to find out if I made it home fine. Now I hardly hear my mobile ring. I got teary-eyed again.

I opted to walk home from the post office, it was just a 10-minute walk anyway, and I wanted to take time to do some thinking. When I arrived home, my husband was already there, getting ready to cook rice. Oh, so you’re already home, I said. He did not even ask why I arrived late.

After dinner, I was a bit quiet. He asked me why I wasn’t my talkative self. I said miss the way he used to call to check on me all the time. He said he did not have credits on his prepaid so he wasn’t able to call. After that I just did not feel like talking anymore. We just lay quietly on the bed. He did not seem interested to talk himself, and we just stayed there waiting until it was time for him to go down to see her.  When he got up to get ready he felt that my feet were cold. He took a pair of socks from the closet and put them on me – and I wept. He used to do that before we went to sleep at night and as he did, he would tell me that he will put socks on my feet until we grew old.

These are traces of his old self that used to make me love him more. Now it’s these things that make me cry. His new relationship has changed him into an uncaring, cruel and insensitive person but on some instances, his good self surfaces. This makes me think if that part of him is still somewhere underneath the dark person I see now. If it is, I want to shake him out.

Before lunch today, he called and asked if I already ate. I said I just woke up and I thanked him for asking. He told me to get up and eat, and asked me to do the laundry. He always does the laundry. He told me before that it’s the one thing he’ll never ask me to do because he knows I have never washed my own clothes my whole life and I doing that will make me very, very depressed. But now he’s asking me to do it. Thank you very much for the thoughtful call, dear.


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Selma
    May 31, 2012 @ 18:36:56

    Esselamu aleykum sister 🙂
    I found your blog through Bonnie’s and although I was always too shy to comment on hers I feel that I have to write something to you. I pray that Allah gives you strength and lets you pass His test. Ameen! May He give you trust in Him, solve your problems and give you happiness. Ameen! InshaAllah I will pray for you!


    • hearthquakes
      May 31, 2012 @ 21:36:11

      Bonnie’s such a sweetheart. She has paved a way for me to know amazing and caring sisters like yourself.

      Thanks for commenting. It comforts me to know that I am not alone in my prayers. Jazakhallahkhair sister.


  2. Selma
    May 31, 2012 @ 18:39:06

    …also have a look at this sister’s blog inshaAllah


  3. Bonnie
    Jun 03, 2012 @ 12:32:04

    Oh sweetheart I feel like crying along with you. I wish I was there to just give you hugs and cheesecake. I’m sorry I suck at giving you advice on your husband but know when I was going through something similar the people who helped the most were the ones who just listened, didn’t ever judge, and were just kind to me. You know that I don’t have the ability to leave you without some kind of quote and I do apologize for that i just can’t seem to help myself….

    Do you think your heart is dead? Is it too broken this time? Every winter the flowers crumble and the trees die. And every spring, He gives them life again. Can not the One who gives life to the dead land, give life to your dead heart?

    I’m not saying your heart is dead, but I know how it can feel that you wonder if you will ever feel truly happy again, if the cracks in your heart will ever heal and you feel so desperate that sometimes you feel like you would give or do anything you had just to put things back to the way they were when you were happy, when everything made sense and it was going to be you and him forever, dying together like in the notebook because neither one of you could bear to be without the other

    I’m sorry I don’t know when to shut up! i guess that should be now, lots of love xxx


    • hearthquakes
      Jun 03, 2012 @ 22:14:39

      That is not true, sis. You do give helpful advice. And your quotes are inspiring too.

      I agree with you sis. Right now I am able to talk to only 2 persons here. One is a muslimah but I do not get to see her often. We talk over the phone only but she has been so patient with me, having gone through the same situation. The other one is a Christian roommate, whom I knew just recently, but has always been ready to listen when I needed someone to talk to. She is still young, and cannot give me advise but her simply listening and sympathizing with what I am going through helps a lot.

      I am careful about sharing things with people because as much as I hate my husband now, I still love him and I do not want the people in our circle to see him negatively.

      I love the quote. That is exactly how I am feeling now. I am desperate…and very confused. Funny you mentioned the Notebook, we love that movie. And when we saw it, we promised we would die that way too, like the rest of the loving couples in the universe. And when he married this girl, he said that there will now be three of us dying together. Can you believe that?


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