Ultimatum

The past few days have been very exhausting. We fought every day, and it was always the same thing repeated over and over. He said I give too much thought and meaning to every move he makes and every word he says and needless to say, he is very, very annoyed. This I matched with nagging, nagging and more nagging. I nagged so much this week that even I got tired of hearing myself. We talked, shouted, argued, walked out on each other, broke each other’s mobiles, name it, we’ve done it. We have said all possible kind words to make each other shut up and the next minute it’s a cats and dogs fight again.

I think exhausting was an understatement. I want to fly away, high enough to feel numb about everything that’s happening. I want peace and quiet.

Over the course of his ‘new relationship’ I think I have said everything on my mind already. I have cursed him, rubbed to his face how insignificant he is, psyched him about why he should let her go…but in the end there’s me telling how much I love him and him echoing whatever I said. It was in one of these clashes when he blurted out something that I wasn’t expecting to hear: he said if nothing happens in their relationship, he will let her go – Ramadan.

I think I got too focused on hearing the ‘let her go’ part that I missed hearing the ‘if’ part. And that was supposed to be the deciding factor. What is actually going on between them is unknown to me. Sometimes he tells me they fight a lot, but all I see is him calling and texting her thoughtfully a hundred times a day. Other times he tells me he misses me so much already but he still scurries off thoughtlessly when he knows she’s there then forgets about coming home even when he knows I am waiting. Most of the time he tells me I am the one he wants to grow old with but bears leaving me even when I am crying. He tells something and does another.

But he said it. And I want to hope that he will keep it. Ramadan. This would go out to be my best or worst one. Will he really do as he says? I know how fond he is of her and I pray that he would have, if not love, at least mercy to not break my heart again. May Allah guide him.

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. دانه محمد
    May 30, 2012 @ 00:04:32

    Assalamu Alaykum sister,
    it must be so hard for you. May Allah guide him, Ameen. Everything is a test from Allah (subhana wa ta’ala). In life, Allah wants to test our patience. And it is the ones who are patient gain a good status, “every hardship there is relief.” May Allah make you patient with this trial, and always make you the better person. Ameen. If Allah tests us with something, then that means we have that strength to bear it even if it seems we don’t. And if we pass, we always learn new things from life, we gain more wisdom, and imagine wisdom is such a blessing from Allah. Allah loves his servants. I get tests too. We all do. SubhanAllah….Always remember Allah is watching you dear sis ❤
    Take care…xxxx

    Reply

  2. fringewalk
    May 30, 2012 @ 00:10:46

    I am worried because our cultures and belief systems are so different, i don’t wanna be ignorant or say anything out of turn. So i hope you understand what ii write is given with love.
    You are not nagging. He is cheating on you, and in the process, destroying your confidence, security and self esteem. This makes you feel useless, worthless, inadequate. I don’t think a person should ever make another person feel that way, especially someone they are meant to love and take care of.
    You sound to me like you are saying the kinds of things someone who is suffering from emotional abuse says, and i think the way he is treating you, with total disregaurd for your mental and emotional health, is abusive. I struggle to imagine a God that thinks that’s ok.
    I hope Allah guides you and give you strength x

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 30, 2012 @ 22:02:52

      Thanks so much. Agreed. He is a real as*****. And he is driving me nuts, literally. I reckon that had I not been the person that I am, I would definitely be in a straitjacket by now. I know that God is just and whatever he…they are doing will come around to them one of these days. It amazes me how he feels up to this point that marrying that girl without my consent is pleasing to Allah’s eyes regardless of what emotional torture it causes me. He did what he wanted and how I react to it is my problem to deal with.

      Inshallah he will come to his senses soon. *sigh*

      Reply

  3. sie
    May 30, 2012 @ 05:16:58

    Hello I have found your blog through Bonnie 😉

    honestly I have been through this and much worse because my kids and I have been physically abused by my ex husband..I am now annulled..I know where you are coming from..I had been depressed and suffered for 10 years with him..cheating, abuse and every word is like a sword hitting me each day..my cries and silence have been my only weapon at that time..sis Bonnie knows my story and it is written all in my previous posts..

    I may not know your name or your whole story but I can feel your pain..I don’t like a broken family BUT I also don’t want for him to continue hurting me and my kids and trampeling on my SELF-WORTH..

    honestly you have to let go..it is hard like what I have went through but think again..it is better to let go rather than be cheated and chained with his betrayal for a long time..

    it is still your own decision..but on my experience I got my own self worth back when I learned to let go and let God move..we deserve someone better who can love us and with it comes faithfulness..I have met the right guy for me now and my kids and I are happy 😉

    I am not saying for you to separate because each of us has our own story..BUT cheating is a big issue and NEVER let anyone choke up your happiness and degrade your self-worth and value..you are loved by many and can be loved by many..

    invest your time with people who loves you so true and real 😉

    Reply

  4. Bonnie
    May 30, 2012 @ 08:02:33

    My dear Sister, I know how it is to have hope against hope and you cling on for dear life at this just in case. As they say hope is very hard to kill, this was very true in my own situation anyway. It’s fifty days to Ramadan and maybe he’s just saying it to buy time or maybe he really means it, Allah knows. I stand by what I said yesterday and use this time to focus on you instead of the clicking clock. I found one of the best things is exercise because it gives you something to focus on outside of your own head, I remember you saying that you brought some running shoes maybe it’s time to put them to use, anger is only a strength when it comes to running because it makes you run faster and longer. Lots of love from New-Zealand xxxx

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 30, 2012 @ 23:40:33

      Sister Bonnie I do not know if he is telling the truth. Ramadan is near and although I look forward to him really coming back, I fear that things might not turn out positively. I have planned to exercise, but I have not found an exercise partner yet. Running around alone is not very safe here, especially at night, and that is the only time when I can run. Thank you so much for your comments, sis. I hope you won’t tire writing to me. I really appreciate your friendship. And thank you for driving people to my blog, I received nice comments from people saying that she found my blog through you. That is so sweet. May Allah bless you. P.S. What’s it like in New Zealand?

      Reply

      • Bonnie
        May 31, 2012 @ 08:06:53

        Oh course I wont tire writing to you my dear sister. Although my pain was not exactly what yours is (because I hate it when people say they know how you you feel) a year ago my writing was very similar to yours. I was in so much pain that I felt like I was drowning, like I literally couldn’t breathe and the people who got me through it were my blog friends, when I gave birth alone last Ramadan while my now ex was holidaying in Egypt having the time of his life it was them who were emailing me, and sending presents etc. When I felt like I was going to die from the emotional pain it was them who kept me going (and Allah swt of course)

        I found something today that I once used to read a lot on days I felt particularly bad so thought I would share it with you.

        ” But, this dark place is not the end. Remember that the darkness of night precedes the dawn. And as long as your heart still beats, this is not the death of it. You don’t have to die here. Sometimes, the ocean floor is only a stop on the journey. And it is when you are at this lowest point, that you are faced with a choice. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up—stronger from the swim, and richer from the jewels.”

        I also listened a lot to Katy Perry’s ‘Part of me’ on repeat and a heck of a lot of Carrie Underwood but that is so embarrassing I probably shouldn’t be admitting it on a public blog 😉

        Life here is quite lonely I don’t have really any friends here since I converted and I can go months without talking to another Muslim in person but alhamdulillah this is a beautiful country and live right by the ocean.

        Thinking of you lots sweetie xxx

      • hearthquakes
        May 31, 2012 @ 11:38:41

        What happened between you and your husband sis, if I may ask?

        Yes, I know what you mean when you said you literally could not breathe. I feel like that a lot, and there’s a squeezing, heavy pain in my chest, too. Sometimes I fear I might have a heart attack one of these days.

        That was a nice quote 🙂 I know I will rise up above this and one day I will look back and not feel anything anymore. That might be a long time from now but at least I can already acknowledge that there is an end to this. For some time, especially during the first month, I felt like the pain will never go away. I am still in pain now but Alhamdullilah having friends through this blog has given me hope that things WILL get better.

        I imagine New Zealand to be really scenic, with mountains capped in snow and stretches of green plains and lots and lots of cows grazing everywhere. Is it really like that or have I exaggerated my picture too much? You must be laughing right now. And you live by the ocean, amazing.

        xOxO from the middle east

      • Bonnie
        Jun 03, 2012 @ 12:10:29

        Salams sweetie, I’m sorry for the late reply but I was away and without the internet, it was a horror I hope not to repeat anytime soon 😉 I had a blog detailing all the awful details of over a year but deleted all my posts in it just a few weeks ago. My story is similar to yours in many ways but of course we all have differences, if you ever want to email me my email address is bismallah at hotmail dot co dot nz and i can tell you about it there xxx

  5. Amalia
    May 30, 2012 @ 23:27:46

    Dear sister, I found your site through Bonnie. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice for you but my heart is breaking for you 😦 I will be praying that you have strength and can get through this. May Allah guide you xxx lots of love, Amalia xx

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 30, 2012 @ 23:47:58

      Thank you Sister Amalia. I appreciate the prayers, I need lots. Maybe with many people praying for me my husband will come to realize what he has done, and what he might lose if he doesn’t come to his senses. Inshallah.

      Reply

  6. Sanaa
    May 31, 2012 @ 17:00:55

    May Allah comfort you make grant you ease with your situation. Men are often lead through their poor direction and desires. May Allah forgive us for our short comings. Allah tells us He created them weak and our last prophet, peace be upon him told us that the greatest fitna for the men is the woman. You are stronger than you think because you still there trying. I have no idea what you are going through but I live in a community where this kind of thing happens much and usually the man when sense and the reality of the situation hits them come back very apolgetic and ready to make full amends with their wives and I hope this is the case for you. May Allah turn this situation into something that turns out better for you and your family. There is wisdom in all Allah wills. Sometimes it takes a while before we actually see it but trust Allah He will get you through this and await the life lesson He is teaching you.
    Sorry you are hurting.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 31, 2012 @ 17:52:43

      Ameen, sister. It is true what the prophet (pbuh) said. Indeed the greatest fitna for men is women – and I think the reverse is also true. I cannot imagine that this could be a common thing in your community. I am in an arab country now, and although there are arabs who have more than one wife, there are more who stick to only one. If the men in your community marry more than 1 and eventually go back to make amends with their wives, how could the others still want to commit the same mistake? Have they not seen the torture this could cause their wives? I also do not understand how the women, knowing that the man is already married, would still want to involve herself with him. I would run away like crazy if a married man asked for my hand in marriage. No matter how attractive, or kind or endearing he is, I would never want to carry it in my conscience that my happiness is a cause of pain to someone else.

      Inshallah, sister, my husband will do the same thing. And I hope so too that all this will result to something better for me and my kids. I do trust in Allah’s plans and I believe he will get me through this.

      Reply

      • Sanaa
        May 31, 2012 @ 18:40:34

        Yes it was happening all the time a few years back here in the UK. My close friend moved to Saudi a few years back and she told me many of the revery British and American brother’s were marrying left, right and centre. It is common in the asian here in UK but it is kept ‘hush hush’. I heard with my own ears sisters say ‘ Women need to stop being selfish with their en! and ‘Its the last days and there aren’t enough men out there!’. Subhnallah it seems we are not as women considering each other’s feelings at all. It is sad because it can happen to any of us. Men seem to be a bit But I pray this is a test for you that will bring you out better. Be strong.

      • hearthquakes
        May 31, 2012 @ 21:53:31

        Yes, some of the sisters here said that to me, too. They are second wives. I do not want to judge them, they must have their reasons but I could not imagine how they are able to live happy lives knowing that they are hurting someone else? While I was at the height of my pain and crying like a baby, one sister told me exactly that – that I should not to be selfish. That my husband is not my property and that I should not be feeling this way. I know that our lives are not our own. I neither claimed nor acted like he was MY property. I am hurt because I expected that he would respect my feelings the way that I always think of how he would feel first before I make any rash decision. He married another girl without my knowing. Where does that place me and our kids, in his life? And is having ‘not enough men out there,’ enough of a reason to hurt someone? I think not.

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