Just another day

I was brave today. WAS. Only for a short while, but please give me some credit for it.

 

After our big fight last week he promised he would come home on time. That was ‘on time’ in his terms because mine would be 12mn. Fajr it was. He was consistent for about 2 days in a row, overslept on the third and blamed it on his mobile alarm on the fourth. That’s fine, I guess, because after 3 months of sleeping alone, I have already gotten used to having all the space on my bed. Now I get a bit irritated when he comes in at Fajr, because then I have to move aside with only a tiny space left for me and it makes going back to sleep difficult. I guess some things have already changed somehow.

 

This morning was yet another episode of inconsistency. He came home with only enough time to dress up for work. When he tried to hug and kiss me goodbye before leaving, I whispered to his ear that I do not give a damn about him anymore. I told him to leave. About an hour later I sent this message:

 

                You are the only man I loved this much and you know that. But instead of cherishing what I have given, you chose to hurt me just so you could do what you want. You are selfish. You only care about your own happiness. How could you bear to hurt someone who has done nothing but love you? YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ME. You wasted everything. I don’t give a damn about you anymore.

 

I think a normal, loving person would defensively respond to that. I did not get any response. Well he did try to call me in the office several times. Then again, when someone refuses to talk to you and you badly need to say something to that person, you send a message, right? Nothing. Again I planned to pack my stuff up when I get home but I let go of the thought remembering I only had coins in my purse. Where could he be hiding my ATM?

 

I do not know what it is in him that makes me forgive him all the time. It makes me feel really stupid. I guess I really love him that much. Or maybe it’s because I always go back to how we used to be and who he was before all this. I still hope that he would find his way back to me, to us. I must be really stupid.

 

While I continue to forgive him, I unconsciously make a tab on every pain he gives. My fear is that one day, I will blow up, big time. That’s how I am, and I know this will happen unless things go my way – soon.  So before that happens, Inshallah, things have already changed for the better.

 

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Single Muslim Mums
    May 28, 2012 @ 23:21:08

    Sis, things won’t change. Im sorry but that’s what I think. I don’t know why you have not told him and SHOWED him the evidence where it says in the Qur’an that what he is doing is wrong. He is not giving you your haqq. Involve your imam and get him to show him. My concern is you and your emaan. By slagging him off sis you are telling the whole his sins. I know you are upset but you are not meant to do this. It may even be backbiting. You are giving him your good deeds by doing this. You need to turn to Allah and people that can help like your imam and not people who can’t. By all means share that you are struggling but be pro-active in it. Seek knowledge and try to further yourself. Im sorry if this sounds harsh, it’s not meant to be. Your posts hurt me too cos I know your pain but I also know that there is a fine between sharing and embracing your role as the victim. I don’t want you to fall into the trap where you are so used to airing your sorrow that you forget to try and change it by letting go and moving on in whichever way you choose. We can sympathise with you dear sis, but only you can change things. We don’t cry your tears and we can’t actually help you, only you and Allah swt can. Be real with yourself, and choose a path. You are prolonging your misery like this and inevitably you will end up doing something wrong too that I don’t want for you. Once again, Im sorry if this sounded harsh. I know it’s hard hun to face the misery but I know crying won’t change it and anger will make you sin.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 29, 2012 @ 19:47:41

      I know sis, that is why I try as much as I can not to be angry. I would like to leave him when it hurts really badly but it hurts more just thinking that I have to let him go. It is so difficult for me sis, Allah knows my heart and he knows how I am struggling to try and make this work and to try to let go at the same time. I am confused, I do not know which way to go. I pray really hard every night for Allah to show me the way, for him to guard my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I just don’t know what he wants me to do sis. Should I do something now or should I wait for him to show me what to do? I know he is listening sis and I know he will make his plans known at the right time. I need your prayers, sis. Please pray that I find enough strength to endure this situation – until Allah sees that it is already time.

      Reply

  2. Bonnie
    May 29, 2012 @ 13:23:40

    Oh sweetie just continue to take things just a day at a time because sometimes that’s all we can manage. And even if it comes to your husband and you take one step forward and two back that’s OK because at least you took the step forward to begin with. I was reading a book today By Dr Phil 🙂 and I remembered a passage in it that I used to read when I was in the midst of everything with my ex husband

    The sun will come up and it will shine on your face. You will begin to breathe easier again. You will survive because you always have, whether you have acknowledged it or not. You made it this far because you can. Based on results, you have been given the strength to face challenges. I personally believe it was in you the moment you were born. Your answers and wisdom have allowed you to make it this far, and you will make it further. I don’t want you to be robotic. I don’t want you not to cry. I don’t even necessarily want you not to hurt. I would expect you to be down or even depressed. What I do want you to know is that all those things are normal. Despite them, you will survive this. And although hardearned, you will probably be wiser and stronger for it.

    I’m not saying the loss you’re going through is easy ot that the suffering is in any way a fair price to pay for whatever you might learn from the experience, but since you can’t avoid it anyway, you might as well gain something from it. Something that you can use to better cope with loss, not if, but when, you experience it again. Something that you can pass on to your children so that they can better survive this most challenging day when it pops up in their lives.”

    Please do whatever you can to be kind to yourself. Buy yourself flowers if he wont (kind of hard when you have no ATM card), buy the best chocolate you can afford and eat it whilst watching your favourite girly dvds, paint your toenails (obviously when you are not praying) and listen to your favourite music, make yourself breakfast in bed. Focus on you for a while instead of him, . My dear I know how hard it is but you deserve to be taken care of for a while.

    Lots of hugs and duas’s xxxxx

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 29, 2012 @ 19:54:54

      Your message made me cry, sis. You are right. I should focus on me for a while, I have quite forgotten how to do that. My world has revolved around him all this time. I ought to try finding happiness on my own again. But what’s funny sis is that, in my head I know what I should do, I don’t know why I cannot find the strength to do all these things. Maybe it’s because my soul is still tired….I just don’t know….Thanks for the hugs and duas, I need as much as I can get.

      Reply

  3. ashrubhaleeb
    May 29, 2012 @ 20:38:57

    I know you dont have the resources at the moment but is there any way for you to leave the country. What is left for you there now? I understand your situation is difficult and strained from all directions. But I know there are at least two people who need you as much as you need them. But once again I dont know your situation or if you are waiting to bring them to you because the future for them feels brighter or more full of opportunity or whatever where you are.. . and I dont know what everyone knows or doesnt know about your situation. So sorry I shouldnt try to make guesses for you. I know this is a dumb question since he took your ATM cards and such but would your husband not support you if you wanted to go and spend some time with your family and children or do you not feel like you could go now even if he did?

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 29, 2012 @ 21:44:23

      I think about my kids all the time, sis. I miss them so badly and when I think that they are growing up each day without me, I feel like I want to freeze time. I would like to take them where I am, be it here or anywhere else. I want to see my kids but I do not want to stay in my country because it doesn’t feel like home anymore. I have been praying that if things with my husband do not end the way I hope them to, that Allah would open an opportunity for me somewhere else, where I could live and Inshallah prosper with my sons. If I had that opportunity now, I would pack and leave sis, for as long as there is assurance that I would be able to bring my sons with me.

      Reply

  4. ashrubhaleeb
    May 29, 2012 @ 22:13:06

    Im sorry. I understand this is a big part of what is making your situation so difficult and what is making it very difficult to make a move. I really do understand that you have to carefully think about how your every decision will effect you and effect your children. So I really didnt mean to be thoughtless or inconsiderate saying that. I know you have said often how you miss them and how being near them would help you and InshaAllah it will happen before too long. InshaAllah you will find your way to some financial independence and that will help you in making your decisions. Right now perhaps your husband has way to many controls over your life and well being.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 29, 2012 @ 23:06:32

      Inshallah, that will be soon. I really want to be around to take care of them. I think that is the only thing my husband and I have in common today. He also wants to take care of the kids and he tells me often to find a way to bring them here soon. This is one of those times when I wish I had a genie in a bottle.

      Reply

  5. harmoniephotography
    May 30, 2012 @ 00:01:14

    I don’t know your whole story but I see you are struggling with your life at the moment. Look after yourself and keep faith in God. I will keep you in my prayers.

    Reply

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