Try and Try…

It was Thursday night again – so not looking forward to another weekend alone. Well at least I get to sleep in late, so okay, I guess there’s one thing to look forward to. I just realized I have not gone to the majlis for a while. I miss going, but see, I don’t want to go alone. Alone is becoming a favorite word. If I had a facebook account, you guessed it right, it would be my status for the next…errr….arrggghhhh!

 

While on my way home I rang my husband and asked what he would like for dinner. Normally I don’t cook on Thursdays but I would if he wanted me to. Thankfully he said I shouldn’t cook anymore but when I asked what cooked food to buy he couldn’t make up his mind. He finally decided that I cook noodles to which I said okay, but having had noodles for lunch I was sure I wouldn’t be eating much that night.

 

At the time I was in the supermarket he called and asked where I was. Thinking he would come and help me carry the groceries (you know, like what I saw him doing the other day with her), I excitedly told him where and he said he will just grab a cup of chai and meet me at home. What the &%$#*!@ did he call me for? Sigh. I’m such a hopeless case, I never learn to never hope.

 

When I got home he gave a weird look at the bags I carried. Miscommunication. When he said noodles, he meant instant noodles. For dinner. Are you kidding me? He told me to just cook what I bought the following day so we just contented ourselves with the croissants I had left from lunch. As we sat I glanced at the now withering bouquet he gave me half a month ago (this was the second bouquet after the other month’s and it was the best one I got from him so far) and asked if he ever brought her flowers too. He told me before that I was the only girl he ever gave flowers to but with his silence I realized that was no longer true. And that made me sad again. If it is true what he says that he loves me more deeply than her, why is he treating us the same way? Wait, there’s something wrong with that statement. He is not treating us the same way, he treats her better. I just felt I was no longer special, that’s all, and that’s a sad thing. I think all the wives in the world would like their husbands to treat them like a princess in a fairy tale, rescuing them from danger and showering them with flowers and romantic whatnots. I was his only princess up until she came and I can’t take that.

 

By the time he was getting ready to go (to her, of course) I was already crying. He could not understand what I was crying about but he kissed me on the forehead and repeated what he said before that he doesn’t like to see me crying. Huh? Stop doing what you’re doing and I will stop crying. Don’t you get it? He left anyways. I don’t think I can take this anymore.

 

At around 1am I sent him a message that I would no longer be at home when he comes in the morning. I packed my clothes in huge plastic bags (I did not want to unearth my luggage, that would be tedious) and placed them next to the bed. I prayed for guidance while I hoped he would come home early so that we could talk. It was his day off which meant he would come home 10:30 a.m. He arrived 12:10 p.m., just in time to change clothes for jumaa. It’s just unbelievable. Send me that same message and I would probably be running back home. He saw my bags and asked what I was trying to pull up again. I said I’m moving out. I have already arranged to stay with a friend but I told him I would be transferring to a bedspace somewhere in the area. He said I wasn’t going anywhere. Ha! I don’t think you can’t stop me this time, mister. I have had it. He reached for my wallet and when I realized what he wanted to take I struggled to get it back from him but he pushed me back. He took my residence ID and all my ATM’s and left. I curled up the bed and cried.

 

After jumaa he went straight to her house for lunch. It has not occurred to him that I haven’t had anything to eat since morning. He came back home at 2:30 pm and just stared while I lay in bed. I said I’m going whether he likes it or not. And the next 30 minutes was a like scene from WWF. We wrestled for my clothes which, he wanted to put back in the closet, and I to keep in the bags. We were both physically tired after 30 or so minutes and at that point he hugged me and pleaded me to stay. There is no use to this, I said. I can’t go on letting you hurt me. He said he can’t live without me (and her, too, I suppose). He promised he will let her go eventually but how long this will take, I could not imagine. Ya Allah, please grant me the strength to bear this.

 

Maybe next time I should just go without telling him. But first, how will I get those ATM’s back?

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ashrubhaleeb
    May 19, 2012 @ 14:07:42

    I think you should go without telling him if you decide to go. I think it is a bad sign that he wants to force you to stay by totally unempowering you. You are not his property to discard and pick up at will. Would he leave her helpless and without money. It was an awful disgusting gesture on his part. He should worry about how you will survive rather than if you stay or go. How can you claim to love someone if you are so carelessly handling their emotions and with so little regard. I am sorry that he is putting you through so much pain. I will never understand how people like him feel they have a right to so much love and respect when they give so little. InshaAllah you will find your way to a happier situation soon. i always say this and I am saying it again. . . the first and most important thing is to stop accepting this substanderd treatment. Sometimes people wont give you what you need unless it is also what you demand. I know that is such a scary and difficult thing and that it is so difficult to really be able to walk away from a relationship that was once full of happy memories. But I think you have to be willing to leave if you ever want things to change. InshaAllah a clear path will be put before you. I wonder if his other wife knows any of this. She should also be very afraid for her relationship if she does . . .or atleast upset she is with a man who can act this way. Salaam.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 19, 2012 @ 22:22:08

      Thanks sis Korie. With Allah’s grace, I am becoming less attached to him and more like my independent self. This past week has been about nagging him to end it with her and this caused him so much confusion that he wants to seek the advice of our Imam. I forbid him from doing so because I know that if he does, the Imam cannot give him sound advice as he will only hear one side. I am pretty sure my husband will conceal his unfairness and only dwell on the part where I play the nagging wife. I asked him why he wants to talk to the Imam, when, in the first place, if he only listened to his advice to get my permission first before marrying that girl, we would not be in this situation.

      In my opinion, there should be no confusion at all. Logically speaking, would you throw (what I thought to be a happy) 4-year marriage – with kids at that – for a 4-month old one? The fact that he is confused is getting me convinced that he is actually thinking of sharing a lifetime with this girl and fortunately or unfortunately for him, I will not accept to be the spare tire for life. I have finally found the courage to make it clear to him that I want him to let her go, for all our sakes. He needs his time, I know, in consideration of their feelings for each other, but I said I am not willing to wait for him for more than a couple of months. I know that I can live without him, sis, and if forcing him to make a choice means losing him, I can learn to take that. Alhamdullilah, sister, I know I am getting there. I still pray to Allah for guidance for all three of us. May what we say and do be according to his will. And I would like to echo what you said, that – Inshallah a clear path will be put before me. Salaam.

      Reply

  2. imaanii
    May 24, 2012 @ 17:44:06

    What an ass! I get so angry at him on your behalf. SubhaanAllah. I’m sorry for the cursing, I don’t usually get angry, but he really is. I think you’re very brave and wise, just so you know.

    Reply

  3. fringewalk
    May 29, 2012 @ 00:42:10

    😦 poor you. Seindig you Love x

    Reply

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