Priorities

It’s been almost a month since my last post. Many have happened but things are still the same – I am still miserable.

About mid-April I learned that I had to exit the country so that my visa status could be converted from tourist to working. That was fine until I realized I had to pay almost a thousand dollars for overstaying. My mind rebelled for a few minutes but having grown numb from going through so much pain recently, I accepted my fate.

I told my husband that I needed to leave for the airport at around 3:30 in the morning. He did not seem to hear me. Later he said, okay, “I’ll take you to the airport,” like it was a favor he was doing for me and not his obligation. We had a fight afterwards, I have forgotten the petty issue that caused it, but he left (to see her) even if we had not made up yet. I stayed up with a friend from the next room who thoughtfully brought home brownies from London Dairy where she works so that I’ll have a snack on my trip. It was just an airport-to-airport journey to Muscat but nonetheless, it was an airplane ride and I have fear of flying. We talked in the common kitchen and she courteously offered to bring me to the airport should my husband forget that he has a responsibility to make sure I make it there safely at an unholy hour. I laughed at the idea knowing that she is new in the country and does not even have an idea where the airport was. Nevertheless it was a nice gesture and I thanked her for her thoughtfulness. We had bread and eggs at around 2 a.m. then I started to get ready. I was all set to go by 3 a.m. and waited for my husband until 3:30. He did not come.

My friend saw how sad I was and told me not to expect anything from him anymore.  I corrected her and said I wasn’t expecting, I was hoping. But I guess it is wrong to hope, too.

Just as we were waiting for a cab, I heard a voice calling me from behind. It was our Imam who was on his way home from the majlis. He asked where I was going and I told him. He asked where my husband was and all I could do was to shake my head as I did not know what to say. I minute after I rode the cab the Imam’s wife called and commented that I should not be travelling to the airport alone at that hour. Where is your husband? How could he allow you to go on your own? How is it that your neighbor had the concern to (at least) take you to a taxi stand and your husband did not even bother to check if you already left or not? I cried all the way to the airport and half the time I was wishing I would not have to come back anymore.

I stayed at the boarding gate for about 3 and a half hours and did not get a call from him until it was already boarding time. I did not want to talk to him anymore. Concern is a basic deed. You are able to have concern for people you don’t know, how could you not have concern for your wife? There is just no excuse for him letting me go out at that hour of the night alone. I hung up on him. He called again and apologized, told me he loves me, and apologized again. He asked me to be careful and look after myself. Indeed, I have proven that I have no one else to look after me now.

The whole trip took around 3 hours or so. When I was back in the country I called him up just to let him know I was unfortunately still alive and he still won’t be able to live freely with his “love” (that’s their word of endearment, can you believe it?). He knows I haven’t slept yet but he asked me to visit him at work and have lunch with him. I was really exhausted but felt stupidly happy with the thought that he was trying to make up for what he did. We had lunch together but I was quiet and he knew I was not in my best spirit. He asked me to stay and that was when I learned that they had a fight because he found out she was still communicating with her ex-boyfriend. He made me read the messages they exchanged and I told him that who she is and what she does doesn’t matter. What matters to me is what he does when he finds out about those things. I said “The bottom line is, you are still with her, and that does not change things for me.” I told him that what I want to hear is that he has already left her. And he quieted. I guess he loves her too much to leave her.

So there it goes. He left me to wander off on unsafe streets at unsafe hours because settling an unfaithfulness issue is a greater priority. He set aside the little concern he has left for me because cuddling up after a huge fight was way more important. Sigh.

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Aside

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. namatalislam
    May 05, 2012 @ 03:45:41

    I’m glad you’re back, I was wondering where you were and if you were alright. SubhaanAllah I feel so sorry for you. I wish I could make everything better. Allah has a plan with even this, He loves us more than our own parents. I’m glad you have nice friends around you at least.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      May 05, 2012 @ 10:50:47

      Salam sis. I had no idea someone so far away would wonder how I was doing. The person I live with often forgets I still existed, so thank you 🙂 What you said made me feel I still matter, Mashallah.

      I attempted to write so many times but I hadn’t the strength to even turn on my computer.

      I am thankful that I have a couple of people around to talk to. But sometimes I regret sharing things with them because telling them what’s going on between me and my husband feels like I am betraying him. But I think God has sent me these people to so that I won’t have to go through this difficult situation alone. I have always believed that Allah answers our prayers through the people around us, the people we meet, physically or otherwise (yourself included). Alhamdullilah I have people like you who encourage me to keep on going. 😉

      Reply

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