Destiny or Free Will?

Two Fridays ago the Imam had a discussion on Qadar and free will. By definition, it’s not difficult to tell which is which. But listening to him got me thinking. My husband’s decision to remarry definitely falls under free will. Despite being contradicted by other people, he stuck to what he wanted. Clearly, that was not qadar.

But his decision affected me. So does it mean that it is my qadar to suffer for a decision that I did not make? How fair is that? That was all his doing but why must I be the one to go through hell because of it? I’m not questioning God, just wondering. If God meant for me to suffer this way (for reasons only he knows), that means it was already written that my husband decides to get married. So then that’s not free will after all. I don’t want to spark a debate. This is just me blabbering because the bus was late on my way home and I needed something to occupy myself with. I ended up confused.

Anyway, I just wonder how this situation will come out in the end. I would like to think that God has a wonderful plan for making me go through this. I hope he did not destine me to live through this pain forever. If I use my free will and decide to walk away now, would it then be my husband’s qadar that I leave him? Then my decision won’t be purely free will, wouldn’t it? On the sideline, free will or not, he might actually be happy with me walking away.

Speaking of which, we almost did separate. Last Thursday, on my way home, I called one of the sisters to pick me up so that I could go to the majlis. But hubby told me after dinner not to go that night. He said she wanted to go and asked me to give way. What the %#@*%? Should my social schedule adjust to hers as well? Isn’t it enough that he is already spending twice and sometimes even thrice the time that he is spending with me? Must I also make my already small world smaller for them?

It is just not fair anymore. On second thought, I know it will never really be fair anymore. But to “give way” for her? Have I not given all out already? I thought it was very selfish of my husband to ask that of me. He knows that going to the majlis is my only ‘escape’ from my life with him and to give that up so that they could go TOGETHER, even for just a day, is just unreasonable. Hubby is just so concerned with her and is really taking care not to let our paths cross because she said that she does not want to meet me. Like I was the one causing her misery. It mostly feels like I’m the second wife in the sense that I’m the one who’s always adjusting to what they’ve had going along for a long time.

To not start a fight and be accused of being the selfish one, I gave way. My husband said that since it is his day off the following day, he wants to spend more time there and will go home at 6 am. Okay, anything else to go with that sir? It’s also my day off and I hoped for him to spend more time with me, but fine. I don’t want to be his puppy who’s always begging for attention all the time.

He did not come home at 6 am.  Still not at home at 7…8….9…10….At 10:30 he finally arrived with no apologies, no sense of guilt whatsoever. It was like “I will go home if and when I want to and you cannot do anything about it. Just be thankful that I am here.” I flared up. I told him that because he spent the whole night and most of the morning there he will have to spend that night in our apartment- in the spirit of fairness. I knew he would not agree but I just wanted to find out how he will talk his way out of it. He did not say anything. I found out later that they did not go to the majlis. When I asked him why, he reasoned that the drivers did not pick them up on time and she did not like waiting long. Okay, he could have told me they were no longer going so that I could have gone but he didn’t. He has totally lost all sensibility – and sensitivity.

He was supposed to have Jumaa at the mosque near our apartment but I swayed him to come with me to where the other brothers and sisters go. He agreed but told me to wait for him at the taxi stand because she might see us together. Darn.

After Jumaa he said that he has to go back to her because he promised that they will have lunch together. He said we could just meet at the Islamic Center after lunch. While I strained to find a ride to the center, he went off to her. It never fails to break me to see him rush that way to see her. She is just so lucky.

He arrived at the center at around 2:30 and I asked if he told her what I said about him spending the night in our apartment. He said yes and then went to the gents’ study area and I went to the ladies’. Classes end at asr prayer, and that was when he told me to go home alone (or go with the other sisters somewhere) because he needs to fix something in her apartment. My ears are already bleeding hearing him talk about her this often. We already agreed that we will go home together after asr but promises made with me have not been a priority lately. It sounded like I didn’t really have any choice.

The Imam’s wife, the first, with whom I have been confiding, was kind enough to allow me to tag along with her and her friends. We drove around while I poured out all my frustrations and all three sisters spoke to me about sabr, sabr, sabr at the same time. They understood where I was coming from but their views were divided when it comes to my husband’s unfairness. The two said I should be patient with my husband but at the same time stand my ground. He should be fair to you both, they said. They are second wives and it is good to be hearing their perspective on the matter. The Imam’s wife on the other hand advised me to just let him be. She said, sabr, they are still new that’s why he wants to spend most of his time there. She said, just as the Imam said, that if I don’t nag, in the end, he will realize the unfairness that he has done and come back to me. Such conviction she has, I hope it is true.

I was down in the dumps but I felt better talking to them. It helps to be around people who know what I am going through. Well, they do not actually know all but at least they know the essentials.

I told them how I told my husband that he has to spend the night with me because he spent the previous one with her. They all agreed he should. I said let’s wait if he will.

He didn’t. It was already 12 midnight but he said they are still not done fixing her apartment. He has already used up my time. What’s the point of him coming home at 1am or so when we could no longer talk and hang out by then? Where’s the quality time in that? I told him that I would just go the majlis and he can just spend the night at home the following day because I have no more time left with him to bond anyway. He said okay. I told him before I left to keep his phone next to him so that he can pick me up downstairs when I come home.

I went home at around 4 am and as expected, he wasn’t there to meet me. Again running like crazy on my way to our apartment, I thought I just had it with him. When he went home in the morning just in time to take a bath to get ready for work, I shared my all my frustration with him. To have unfairness shoved at me one after another was just too much. I was ranting and he said he has had enough. He blurted out the words that we vowed never to mention – “let us go our separate ways,” he shouted. I was still furious and I continued to rant and he said it again – “let us go our separate ways!” When in continued with my outburst telling him how unfair he was being he aimed at hitting me and said, “I could just hit you so that you’ll let me go.” I told him at the start of our marriage that I will leave the moment he lays a finger on me. I said “Go ahead!” I pulled his shirt when he wanted to walk out and I asked him to stay to sort things out.

That was when I calmed down. I hugged him tight and he allowed me. He did not hug back, though. I thought to myself that I was not ready to stand alone. Not just yet. I told him that I am only being this way because I love him. Could he not see that the root of all this is just so shallow? – I simply wanted to spend more time with him, that’s all.

It occurred to me when I told him I love him that I no longer love him like before. Something has changed and my love has somehow waned. I still love him but not with as much intensity as I did two months ago before all this happened. It made me sad. I did not mean for us to be like this. I hope he sees that too.

I have been having recurring dreams again about losing my slippers when I enter a room. I googled it and one result just hit me. It said that divorce was awaiting me. Wasn’t that coincidental?

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Aside

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ashrubhaleeb
    Apr 05, 2012 @ 17:02:25

    I really dont know where you find the strength to go through this. . . but I guess that we all tend to find strength when we need it. . . one of the blessings and curses of being a woman I suppose. I feel so hurt and frustrated for you. He is not at all treating you fairly. I dont even think he is treating you kindly. I dont understand how someone who loves you and who was devoted to you could suddenly make such a change in himself. I dont understand how the second wife could not have any feelings or compassion or anything about the situation that she was a huge party in creating. I swear it is almost shameful that she shows her face at the Majlis . . . much less expects you to not go on her whims. I cant understand your husband but I feel like I can understand that she seems to want you gone. It is weird because I would like you to ‘win’ this and him realize his mistakes but the bad part is I dont think ‘winning’ equals happiness here. . . I just mean that it would take a lot of change and time and work to regain the spent love and trust and affection. InshaAllah you will come out of this a stronger person. It might be impossible not to invest all of yourself into your marriage and your family. I know I have. . . and I know that is what makes this so painful. As far as this being God’s plan for you in some way. I dont know but maybe the strength you gain will be a blessing to you one day. I guess I will just say what I always say. Your husband may make you angry or sad or any number of emotions but the thing you should never let him make you feel is worth less because of his whims and wants. You seem so smart and thoughtful and kind hearted. I hate it that he doesnt feel the weight of what his decisions are doing to you and probably the whole family. Salaam, Korie

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Apr 05, 2012 @ 22:55:53

      I am not strong, sis. On the contrary, I think I am weak. How could I have agreed to this set up if not for weakness? If I were strong I would have walked away the instant he told me of their marriage, like I said I would if he did that. But I did not have the strength to go.

      Like you I also don’t understand how he could have changed so much. When I look at him now I see a person I ought to be hating. When he makes harsh comments I find myself making angry faces behind his back and this is not who I am. I have always loved him unconditionally but now I see things in him that I could just not love. I do not like the person I’m becoming because of this. He is making me hate him and that is not what I want for us.

      My husband said that although we have not met, she despises the thought that I am around. I find it odd that she allowed herself to get involved with my husband knowing he has a wife and then hating the thought that I exist now that they are married. Shouldn’t she have accepted that from the beginning? So yes, sister Korie, it’s pretty clear that she wants me gone. On the vindictive side this is partly why I am holding on. I want to deprive them of the happiness of having me out of the picture. But most of the time I feel it is not worth going through this much burden just to be an insignificant hump in their relationship. Having me around does not seem to have that much bearing anyway, as he blatantly favors her all the time.

      I want to ‘win’ this too, sis. Soooo badly. I pray for nothing but for him to realize how much pain his decision brought me and for things to go back as they were. When he was segueing to tell me what he had done, he was very apologetic and I felt that he regretted what he has gotten us into. That was probably why I did not leave when he told me. He sounded so hurt hurting me. He even asked what he could do to make my pain go away. I said turn back the time.

      It was after I accepted the situation when things took a turn. Now he feels like he’s doing me a huge favor by coming home, even if he’s just here to change clothes.

      Oh, how I want this to be over soon, Ya, Allah! Please make du’a for me sis. Thank you so much for keeping me sane. Salam, Ameera

      Reply

  2. namatalislam
    Apr 05, 2012 @ 17:06:29

    SubhaanAllah I feel so sorry for you sis 😦 I wish I could help you in any way. Maybe you can do the istikhara prayer and ask Allah what to do, if you’re supposed to leave him or not. Allah loves you very much. I will make do3 for you inshaAllah. I hope you find a solution and peace. 😦

    Reply

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