Ramblings

It’s 2 am and I just got home from the majlis. Normally, people would go home at around 4 am but I decided to hit the road early tonight.

The usual crowd was there plus a ten or so visitors. I sat next to the muslimah whom I described in my previous post as cheerful and funny but she was a little under the weather tonight, perhaps due to lack of sleep. She works in an airline so her shifts are a bit erratic. We were with another muslimah who was a friend of a friend. In the middle of the discussion the two decided to transfer to the seats nearer to the Imam. For some reason, I did not have the spirit to listen to the discussion, my mind was off wandering some place so I opted to stay on the couch.

As I looked at tonight’s visitors, the thought of her sitting there when she came to be reverted crossed my mind. Where was my husband seated then? What attracted him to her? I did not want to dampen my spirits, and “uncle are-you-ok” sat next to me and started to chat. Too late. My mood was already spoiled with the thought so I asked dear “uncle” if he could get me some chai because I was getting sleepy. He cheerfully obliged. I finished the chai with a few sips as questions hovered over my head.

My husband was pretty consistent at keeping his promise not to look at any other woman. I think that was because he made a conscious decision not to entertain the possibility of getting attracted to someone else. What changed was that after he came back from vacation when he visited me and the kids, he opened his heart to that possibility. That was why he fell for her. Had he kept his heart closed, he would not have fallen. Now I am wondering what I did that caused him to do that. There must have been something otherwise he would not have opened that door, right? I said I’m tired of thinking about the past but I’m doing it again. I just can’t get rid of the idea that I could have prevented this from happening. Three weeks, a little over two weeks, actually. That was all it took. It was such a short span of time that we were apart and that makes it all the more painful. With the consistency that he had shown in the past, I never would have thought it would only take that little of a time for him to fall for someone else. I thought that if ever it did happen, it would be because we were no longer getting along, or that we are already fighting like cats and dogs or that there’s no more chemistry. But that was not the case. We were still very much in love before those three weeks and we had great plans for the future. How could all this happen?

I have got to stop this. I am nursing my pain and it is not doing me any good.

Letting go would be too painful. Staying is also painful. Isn’t there any other option that isn’t painful?

I walk out, I get hurt. I stay, I get hurt. Where to go? I honestly do not know what the lesser evil is as both sides of the knife cut deep. I have already given up hoping that there’s a chance of him letting her go and vice versa. Now the only hope I have is that this might get easier in time. Either that or it will get worse – hope not.

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amani
    Apr 02, 2012 @ 23:51:28

    As Salam Alaikum sis,
    First let me say I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. Thats not fair. But, you need to understand that it wasn’t anything you did. I’m sure you are a wonderful wife and mother. You sound like you are a decent person. Don’t blame yourself for his actions. He’s a grown man and needs to take responsibility for the pain he is causing you. And second, there is actually a lesser evil. My mom always told me “I’d rather hurt alone than hurt with someone else” …meaning the person that is hurting you. I say that because time does heal wounds and although you may be alone for a while and hurting, it will ease up and get better, but as long as you’re in a relationship that’s hurting you, it doesn’t ease up and get better. It continues to hurt day in and day out, for as long as you stay.
    May Allah make things easier for you and help you make the best decision possible for you Ameen.
    Amani

    Reply

  2. hearthquakes
    Apr 03, 2012 @ 22:28:35

    Walaikom assalam sister.

    I know I have done nothing wrong but to love him. It’s just that I could not believe how quickly he decided to marry this woman so I’m thinking that there must be something that I have done to make him forget about all that we have been through. Although we have already been married for 4 years, to me it feels like everything is still fresh and our feelings for each other is still at its peak. How could he have made a decision that easily? It’s like he made a 180-degree turn to the other end of the pole. I know him very well and it is not like him to do that. Everyone who knows him is bewildered, too, even his Imam. I am just lost.

    It does seem that this will hurt forever. May Allah help me…

    Reply

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