Weekend Nothings

Thursday date night was spent at majlis. The regulars there are starting to grow on me. I have no idea how they are able to spend night after night sitting there. With discussions usually stretching until 3 am, it’s amazing how they are still able to wake up for work. Maybe it’s the tea, or the deer they serve at the meal.

 

I do not know what drives them to go – it could be that they want to deepen their faith, or perhaps they would like to meet new people, or maybe like me, they just want to kill time because staying home alone is unbearable.

 

I have gone for two consecutive Thursdays now. My husband is just so happy to see me go, of course. As much as I want him to accompany me, three rejections are enough to get the message through.

 

I have a couple of acquaintances there now. There’s this muslimah who told me the first time we met that what she went through is ten times as painful as what I am going through. Say what?!  Do you seriously know how I feel right now? Do you know what it’s like to have a husband who does not want to walk next to you in the street because someone she knows might see? Do you know how it feels like to have his arms around you knowing that he hugs someone else the same way? How about when he says “I love you”? Do you know how hard I fight not to believe those words that I clung to for many years? I want to believe he still loves me but I know I shouldn’t because he doesn’t.

 

I have to give her credit, though. I could sense that she was itching to find someone who would listen to her pain, even if it meant talking to a stranger. She was hurting, just as I was. But my sympathies changed when I found out that she was the one who invited her to the majlis. Cross out calling me friend, dear. Just kidding.

 

Then there’s this brother who has been kind enough to always ask if I was doing okay. He kind of reminds me of my uncle. He was one of the few brothers who first knew about what happened. I have seen him several times outside the majlis and each time, he asks the same question. Out of compassion, I guess, but it’s beginning to drive me nuts, actually. Last Friday I saw him at the masjid during Juma and he seemed to be wondering if it was actually me (that was my first time to attend Juma, it was pretty cool). When I went to eat with the other sisters I saw him again and as usual, he said his “are-you-okay” line. Even if I still wasn’t okay, I couldn’t help but laugh. I think he thought I was being sarcastic.

 

There’s another muslimah whom I have grown quite fond of. The first time I met her, I liked her instantly. She’s funny and really bubbly and her cheerfulness is contagious. I thought hers is the company that I would like to have around these days. But she’s a friend of hers. I don’t mind, really, because she seems level-headed. I heard that she told my husband to look after me because I am the one who’s hurting the most in all this. Good girl.

 

So there. At least I have found a few characters who can cheer me up once a week. Thursday night can be very dragging when you know that everyone else is up and about while you sulk in your empty room. It’s Tuesday. Looking forward to Thursday again…

Advertisements

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ashrubhaleeb
    Mar 21, 2012 @ 00:06:39

    Im glad your taking some steps to life moving on in a normal way. The more time that passes the better it will get. All the little situations and people you meet and interactions you have will start to have a meaning outside of just the context of what is causing you pain now. I have never been through what you are going through now but I have had a broken heart. It taught me a lesson . . . Im not sure if this is a good lesson since I am married and love my husband dearly . . . but pain from the past has taught me that there is no man that you cant live without. Im not saying to go on with out him . . . I am just saying it is important to know you can. I think the thought of all of your happiness and well being being totally linked to another person is a dangerous idea women fall into and it leaves us with so little power in a bad situation. So getting out of the house is great . . . and getting out with your kids is probably pretty great too. 🙂

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Mar 21, 2012 @ 22:38:58

      Indeed, sister, I have likewise learned that lesson well from the past. I just thought that this man I am with now was different than the rest. Like I said in my previous posts, he has been really good and from the start I was sure he was the one I wanted to grow old with. He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world…up until he met her. I guess we all have our time of weakness and clearly that was his. It just pains me that he jumped the gun all too soon. I am still not over thinking how he was able to throw everything we had and all his principles away.

      In my head I know I can very well live without him. Before we met, I was an independent woman and I’m thinking now that maybe Allah wants be to be that person again. From the moment we were together my world was nothing but him – but that was only because he also made me feel that I meant the world to him. But now he made it pretty clear that I am no longer that person in his life and I might as well move on too.

      “I think the thought of all of your happiness and well being being totally linked to another person is a dangerous idea women fall into and it leaves us with so little power in a bad situation” – so true!!! That was how I felt when all this happened. It seemed like I was totally powerless and that I had no choice but to accept the situation because it is better than losing him.

      I do have a lot of plans in my head of things that I would like to do so that I could slowly sever my dependence on him. So far going to the majlis is the only one that has materialized. There’s still that part of me that’s wanting to spend time with him. When I think of doing something apart from him, my heart is telling me to go the other way. Sometimes I succeed, most of the time I don’t. But it’s a good start. I can’t do cold turkey.

      Oh, how I wish my kids are here. If they were, I would be getting better quickly. Inshallah I would be able to take them here, please make du’a for me on this, sis.

      Thank you very much for your comments. Your words give me strength more than you can imagine. May Allah bless you, sister.

      Reply

  2. ashrubhaleeb
    Mar 22, 2012 @ 19:35:45

    It means a lot to me for you to say that. I have liked talking with you. I wish it were under better circumstances. Insha Allah it will be better circumstances soon and Insha Allah you will be with your children soon and I will make du’a that your whole family will be together. There is no greater joy in this life than our children :D. Salaam.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Mar 22, 2012 @ 22:07:44

      Inshallah sis, things will be better soon and we shall talk about nicer things. I would love that. Do make du’a for my family to be together. I miss my kids so much and I want to be a witness to their little milestones. They are my source of inspiration especially now that they are all I have.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: