When She Cries

He hates it when I cry. And I’ve been crying a lot lately. Ergo, he hates me a lot lately.

I just can’t help it. I cry when I think that coming here early could have prevented them from meeting. I cry when I remember how we said that the few hours we talk before dozing off to sleep was our favorite time of the day. I cry when I pass by the places we have been to. I cry when an old friend asks about him and I could not find any words to say. I cry about everything – everything that reminds me of him.

But crying is a piece of cake compared to not crying. Holding back your tears while your heart is being ripped off your chest over and over and over is definitely not a walk in the park.

Once in a while the kid in him surfaces and he gets all giddy and spills out whatever is in his head – which lately, has been nothing but her. As much as I want to shove him away for what he did, I do not want to lose our connection so I told him that when it is “my time,” I want us to have an hour just for talking. How I sometimes regret saying that.

I wish we could talk about us and where this relationship is heading. I certainly could not imagine living a lifetime sharing his time with someone else. I wish we could exchange views on how wrong his decision was and why I can never understand it. I wish we could share our thoughts on how we intend to go about our family plans. I wish.

Unfortunately for me, he talks about her much more often that I want him to. It hurts when he says how religious she is and how she is dedicated to learning more about her faith. When I told him how much I can relate to Lara Fabian’s “Broken Vow,” he said I ought to be listening to the recitation of the Holy Book, just as what she is doing. There are times when it’s purely sharing – how she dresses, how much weight she lost, how she loves drinking soda…and each time is like a thorn is pierced on my chest and I struggle to fight back the tears. Do I really have to hear this?

The other night the Imam’s wife invited me to a nearby majlis. I have been there several times before but I did not really feel comfortable staying there so I used to decline my husband’s every invitation to go. But when I learned lately that he was there almost every single night while I was away, I asked if he could take me with him so that I could meet the people he’s been mingling a lot with lately. Much to my surprise, he rejected every request I gave.

Anyway when I went I had a chat with his Imam and he told me how my husband and you-know-who met there at the majlis. Okay, so now I get it. The Imam said he did not agree with my husband’s decision but could not really do anything about it as it was the latter’s choice to make. I learned from him that the day after I arrived, my husband told him that he wants to re-marry. We were eating then, and I was hardly able to get the food on the spoon as I was shaking all over. The Imam continued his side of the story and advised me to be strong and to pray for guidance. I was already at the point of breaking down when I realized that everyone else’s eyes and ears were on us. It is going to be hell on earth with my husband if he finds out that I cried in public so I tried hard not to let a tear drop. Thank goodness I made it.

The Imam and his wife took me home after the gathering and I let everything out in the bathroom. It was already 4 am then – that’s the time when my husband comes back home – so I had to hurry washing up so he wouldn’t notice that I cried my eyes out. It was just on time when he arrived. And I welcomed him back with a smile.

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ashrubhaleeb
    Mar 12, 2012 @ 19:20:18

    “How religious she is”? . . . that might make me violently angry if I was you. At first reading your blog I thought possibly she was some innocent young girl and this had all been arranged for whatever reason. It doesnt really sound that way to me. I had a friend who chose to marry an already married man and without telling his first wife of many years. I tried to warn her it was an ugly thing to do. She was really offended that I told her it wasnt a moral thing to do. She felt justified that since more than one wife is allowed in Islam that she was doing nothing wrong. She was very angry with me and this led to the end of our friendship. But in my heart of hearts I feel like she had to know what she was doing waas wrong. Being in a halal marriage is important and was important to her but I feel compassion is also very important in Islam and in life in general. I think she knew this wasnt a compassionate choice and I think your husbands second wife fully knows and understands it isnt a compassionate choice. I am offended by the idea that your husband is touting her religious fervor as I am sure that you are. Religion is more than memorizing and facts. . . it is truly embracing the best parts of our selves and being kind hearted compassionate and having an understanding of other people. I am not saying she is a terrible person . . just sounds like she is a bit of a selfish person. . and the fact that she wont speak to you shows that she atleast has the decency to be a little ashamed of herself maybe. And of course the lions share of the fault is with your husband.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Mar 12, 2012 @ 22:21:03

      What he said did not really make me angry…just offended. I am not used to the idea that I am no longer sole holder of the crown to his life, He used to tell me that I am better than every other woman around and hearing from him now that someone else is “better” takes some getting used to. No, their marriage was not arranged. They met at the majlis when she reverted to Islam. My husband related the story to me, saying that the first time she saw him, she already fell in love with him. What a boost to his ego, huh. Clearly, they were instantly attracted to each other, enough for her to dismiss the fact that he is already married and enough for him to forget about me and our children.

      I agree very much with what you said that religion is more than memorizing facts. I think it was around 2 weeks ago when I told my husband that even if he knows a lot of surrahs and he reads the Quran all day, I am a better person than he is. I told him that he is too absorbed in memorizing texts and rituals that he is already forgetting that there is a world around him – that there are people that he has to relate to – that most of the time, he does not relate to them well (yes, myself included).

      I do not know the girl enough to judge her motives but it does seem to me that she is indeed selfish. I could not understand how she chose to be a second wife and at then obliterate my existence in my husband’s life. She is living as if she is THE wife and that my husband is at her beck and call. And what does the adonis say about all this? Nothing. But when I am the one demanding more time, I am a bad person for not being considerate. This is getting tiring, really. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am losing weight without making any effort – at least there’s one good thing about all this.

      Reply

  2. ashrubhaleeb
    Mar 12, 2012 @ 19:28:22

    I think your husband needs to understand the situation if he is going to make it work. You seem to imply he is unwilling to understand. I guess I am so compelled to write to you, not to give you advice, but just to let you know that your thoughts and your feelings are not wrong. It makes me angry that someone wants to make you feel they are. Your feelings are legitimate whether you are compelled to work it out or not. Salaam.

    Reply

    • hearthquakes
      Mar 12, 2012 @ 22:29:26

      Thank you sister. That is exactly how he is making me feel. Indirectly, he is suggesting that it is wrong for me to cry over this and I should not be feeling what I am feeling. It seems these days that his word and what he wants define our relationship. I no longer have a say on anything despite him knowing how opinionated I am. So now I choose to be silent simply to avoid another argument. This is why I’m blogging. I need to find an avenue where I could let this all out otherwise I’ll go crazy.

      Reply

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