The Hearthquake That Started It All

As my first entry, let me start off by saying why I decided to set up this blog. After four and a half years of being with my partner and best friend, I feel that our marriage is about to come to an end. With that in the open, let me share the random thoughts I have as I watch the memories I so cherished shatter into pieces. God, I hate drama. But I know there’s no way to see myself through this without letting it all out so if you loathe romantic tragedies like I do, you can stop reading now.

                I should be busy looking for a job. I should be out there, chasing buses and racing up the metro to make it to a last-minute interview. I should be hanging out and catching up with friends and former officemates. I should be relishing every moment of my return to the Middle East because I soooo looked forward to coming back. But I am not. Now I regret, mourn and grieve every minute I am here.

I came to this country about 5 years ago. I was then in a long-time relationship with a man whom I knew was not the right one for me. I left a job I loved and moved here with hopes of making things work. But the frustration and disillusionment I felt while adjusting to camels and sands soon took their toll and I just exploded. It was then when he came.

He was never my type. He was athletic and I can’t even walk without tripping. He was outgoing and I was an introvert. He was a college dropout and I was a geek. His was a bad boy image while I was Miss Goody Two Shoes. Get the picture? Because I did not see anything in him that I could be attracted to, I found him “safe” and so I accepted the shoulders he willingly offered for me to cry on. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have believed everyone who said platonic relationships don’t exist. The next thing I know, I was on my way back to my home country to have our second child.

He was not Mr Perfect. But with him I had the happiest four years of my life. He showered me with love and showed me how a woman should be treated. In his arms I felt safe and protected. I was his princess. He promised to love me forever and I believed him. I put down all my defenses and embraced him into my life. I became his life and he became mine.

He went on a short vacation to see our second bundle of joy and together we planned for our future.  I was to go back to the Middle Eastern heat and we will work at getting the boys to live with us. He left me with the kids and after three weeks, I followed him here. Three weeks. Who would have thought so many things can happen in three weeks?

The day after he picked me up from the airport, I began noticing changes in him. All of a sudden he did not want me to visit his workplace. When he used to rush home after work, now he takes time and goes to visit his imam before coming home.  And what’s with that second phone when he already has a dual sim mobile? Why does it take him so long to finish his chai downstairs at 11 o’çlock in the evening? Where did he get that watch and why is he suddenly using an expensive hair polish?

A woman’s intuition is never wrong. But I brushed off all my doubts because hey, I was his princess, remember?!  I held on to all the promises he made but at the back of my head I knew something was…different. It was that one night when I threatened to leave when he spilled the beans – he married another woman. My world crumbled. Is this a joke??? When did this happen? What did I do that led you to this decision? Did you even think of me and our kids when you asked her to marry you? I was talking nineteen to the dozen but he remained calm. His decision was, as he said, “according to his religion” but I have heard that excuse too much too often on this side of the world.

I thought about how much I love him. I thought about our kids. I thought about the plans we made. I thought about the happy memories we had. I thought about us. I did not want to lose him. I did not want our kids to grow up without knowing their father. So I gave in. I said that I will do my best to accept his decision, even if he did not care to know how I felt about it. It will take a lot of time (forever, perhaps) before I could fully embrace what he did but I promised to try. Tragic, I know, and plain stupid. Let’s not rub it in.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. harmoniephotography
    May 30, 2012 @ 00:12:57

    Glad I read from the start so i can understand your recent words better. I think as long as we love we find ourselves ready to accept many things without even thinking. Your place is a hard place to be, don’t be too hard on yourself.
    Take care


    • hearthquakes
      May 30, 2012 @ 23:55:16

      Very true. Too much love will kill you. That I speak from experience. But I’m having a really tough time forgetting him. For a few days I thought I was getting better but now I realize I’m not.


  2. rawhuman
    May 30, 2012 @ 16:28:48

    No woman deserves this, and God doesn’t accept this. He wants his cake and wants to eat it too. I’m sorry you go through this… Clearly you’re intelligent, so why not do intelligent things for yourself and your kids and walk.
    Also, can I ask? Did you change your religion to Islam?


    • hearthquakes
      May 30, 2012 @ 21:45:16

      Thank you for your message. I really would like to do intelligent things, for a change. I have been feeling stupid and doing a lot of stupid stuff for a man who does not even appreciate my acting dumb out of love for him. I would like to walk, no, run…but I am too tired…just..tired…

      Yes, I did convert to Islam.


      • rawhuman
        May 31, 2012 @ 05:34:36

        I hope you get the courage sooner rather than later. you only get one life and it’s this life, don’t let it slip away… in your case the grass really is greener on the other side and you will one day wish you moved on sooner. I was scared once too, but have never looked back since and wow my life is amazing in the grand scheme of things!!

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